Friday, March 18, 2011

I am at a loss...

I am not sure what to do. Does anyone know how it feels as a parent to see your child suffering in any way and not know how to fix it?

My daughter is 11 years old. She is super emotional and cries very easily. Lately she has been complaining of stomach pain and ankle pain. The doctors cannot find anything wrong with her, the school nurse has grown tired of seeing her in her office crying, I am frustrated with having to go get her because she will cry harder if she cannot come home.

She has a lot of friends, she is well liked, she is not bullied... that is not the issue. Today I had to get her from school again because her stomach was hurting and she was feeling like she was going to throw up. While I was there I spoke with the school psychologist and we set it up so my daughter can start seeing her. On the way home my daughter told me that she is sad, but she does not know why. She does not want to cry all the time, but she does not know how to stop it. The psychologist is going to work with her on being more in control of her emotions and learn how to calm herself. She thinks that my daughter might need an antidepressant temporarily. That hurts.

Why is she sad? Has puberty rebelled on her? How can I make it all better?

Can I blame her sperm donor for creating a traumatic early childhood for her? After an unsupervised weekend with her biological father when she was three she told me that a man came to the door at her father's house and he had a gun. She said that she, her little brother, and her father's girlfriend had to go upstairs and hide in the closet. She would tell me how she saw her father beat his girlfriend.

"He hit her Mommy."

I refused to send them to him again after that. I wrote everything down. I recorded what she said. The judge allowed me to refuse visitation if I felt that their father was under the influence of drugs or alcohol- that was easy, he was never sober.

She had night terrors. I would be awoken in the middle of the night by her screaming like she saw a ghost. I would go in her room and she would be standing on her bed, squeezing herself into the corner of the wall and screaming and crying. After a few years the night terrors would stop, but when puberty hit the crying over everything started. I did not have much of a reprieve between the two.

She does not remember him, she does not remember witnessing the abuse, but has the damage stuck with her on a subconscious level? Yes, he beat me too, she saw it then. She remembers nothing, not even him or what he looks like. Did his actions towards me and his girlfriend have a lasting effect?

How can I help her? I feel so powerless. I brought her home, gave her some medicine for her stomach that makes her sleep. She is in bed sleeping and I am downstairs with my mind racing.


alejandro guzman said...

Give her plenty of Love and for Gods sake just listen to her... Puberty does hit us all differently.

Love A

Hillary said...

Keep doing exactly what you are doing! The first step is to acknowledge that you need some outside help with her situation. (which you've already done and kudos to you!)
Follow that dr.'s orders and then just always be there for her through thick and thin. When she feels like shes on shaky ground she'll be comforted and remember that you are her rock!

Mary said...

Laura, it may not be any of that. Please, please see my website. This is so much like my daughter was for 3 1/2 yrs before she was diagnosed. She has Celiac (and food allergies) along with Depression now.

Finding One's Way said...

SOund like your little missy had a really really bad day sweetie. Love her, listen to her, guide her as you have been doing. Maybe it is as Mary says much like her daughter and what she has gone through it could all come down to her diet. Go check out Mary's site. It might be the answer or not but at least you would have exhausted all the avenues before losing all hope.
We are here for you

Crazysheika said...

Well, I am not a mom. But looking at the fact that she is in a new place new culture, new everything in general around her and then she might have repressed memories could just be boiling up inside her like you say it is. I honestly do not know what to tell you other than what helped me through my problems at that age if you do not want to do the anti-depressant is counseling. I know a lot of kids are like I do not want to do that. But we made it into a Mommy daughter day. So that when it came time to go it was just out time. We went to the counselor and then dinner. My sister and brother had no idea what was going on. My sister learned soon because my mom started doing the same thing with her. Brother never knew!! SOmething to think about I know that its not the best help in the world but it is something I can offer up. I hope she feels better.

Yes I Blog said...

Praying for her and for you now.

No wisdom, just understanding.

We have different stories, but I believe a lot of the same fears.


Yes I Blog said...

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Bongo said...

"The psychologist is going to work with her on being more in control of her emotions and learn how to calm herself. She thinks that my daughter might need an antidepressant temporarily. That hurts." That statement bothered me A lot... get her away from school psychologist and find a recommended could be the physical and psychological symptoms are separate....and please don't be so quick to listen to there cureall antidepressant for an 11 year old....been there done that wayyy too many times.....listen to everything..every little for patterns..check out art work and are her grades in schooll..etc etc ....don't rely on one professional and definitely not one that works through schools.. just my opinion..Praying....As always...XOXOXOX

sweepyjean said...

Continue to be strong for her and try to observe whether there are any contacts she has right now that could be contributing. It could indeed be part of the normal hormonal changes. I hope it you can get to the bottom of it soon.

Laura said...

To clear up a few things, my daughters grades are better now than they have ever been in school, she is a wonderful artist and her artwork consists of koi fish, horses, birds, flowers, anime characters, basically nothing that would cause alarm. I will NOT put her on antidepressants unless all other avenues have failed. Trust me, it took forever to get me to agree to medicating my youngest son for his ADHD. Medicating my kids is not something I jump into.

I think some of her mood comes from my husband being gone. He called last night and she got to talk to him, and for the entire call she had the biggest smile on her face! After she was off the phone and I pointed out that she had a big smile, well, that smile went away!

The school psychologist is not actually a "school psychologist", she is a psychologist from the hospital in Landstuhl (one of 3 that commute), and I think they were added to the schools recently to help the children deal with deployment- because I have never heard of them being there before, just the school counselor (very different). She does not even have an office!

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SJ said...

Samuel went through a similar phase when he hit 11. There wasn't the crying but the stomach pains and the grumps (as I called them). I think there is so much happening in their lives that sometimes it just gets a bit much. A lot of love, cuddles, understanding does help and it sounds like she has the perfect person just for all of those. Hugs to you both oxox