Saturday, June 4, 2011

Sibling Envy

I envy my children. I watch them as they play together, laugh together, hear them upstairs talking and giggling when they are supposed to be in their separate rooms asleep...

I find out about one sharing secrets with another, and the other keeping those secrets even when they are mad at their sibling...

Sure, they fight and argue, but it is normal sibling stuff. My daughter and my youngest son are incredibly close, and I watch them, smile, and feel a pang of jealousy.

Why? Because I never had that kind of relationship with my brother. I grew up not understanding how my friends could be so close to their brothers, how they could say they loved them... I grew up being angry about it and at times sickened from seeing close siblings.

I grew up being abused by my brother. He would hit me, touch me, and say horrible things. I would say nothing and tell no one because I was afraid and ashamed.

When I became an adult I would wonder what my life would be like today if I had not grown up with over a decade of abuse at his hands. I wonder if I would have become a teen mother, I wonder if I would have completed high school with my class, I wonder if I would have ever gotten into the abusive relationship with my two youngest children's father.

I wonder what it would feel like to not feel sickened by my brother, what it would feel like to not be ashamed of him, what it would be like to not wish that he was never my brother, to not wish he was NORMAL.

I watched him grow into an adult and continue his abusive behavior to other women, I watched those women gain the courage to leave him after a few years. I listened to him as he claims not to remember anything and I get angry wondering why he is allowed to forget it or deny it while I cannot. I listen as he begs me not to say anything to whatever woman of the moment he is with while I wrestle with my conscience.

I watch my children and envy their relationship and smile at knowing they will not have to endure what I did growing up. I smile knowing that they love eachother, protect eachother, and have a friendship as siblings that I still cannot understand. I look at them, and I am happy.

8 comments:

Corinne Rodrigues said...

Oh Laura..I'm sorry you had to go through what you did with your brother. You are truly an amazing woman because you broke the cycle. And because of your choices your children can enjoy the relationship they do.

Anonymous said...

You have taught your children to love, respect and care for each other and that is an awesome thing!!! -Stacey

Bongo said...

Could say so much here....you broke the cycle....your children love each other..are best friends..and do not know the pain you do..that shows how beautiful you are ..what a great mom..you are Awesome..keep doin what you do....it is good ..it is beautiful......As always..XOXOXO

Jessica M said...

What you went through with your brother is something nobody should have to experience or endure. My heart goes out to you...I can't imagine the conflicted feelings and memories you have. I think it is a blessing though that your children are so close with one another...I agree with Corinne..you have managed to break the cycle of abuse...a testament that love is stronger than anything...I pray God heals your wounds and may your children always share the closeness that they now have with eachother. That's a beautiful thing.

Jessica Brant said...

Laura,
Fuck Girl Friend I am sorry that you had such a shit for a brother...
You broke the cycle girl. Stand up be proud of it. Watch your children with love in you hearts... A healthy brother and sister bond is the greatest thing in the world to behold.
xoxo
Jess
Beautiful Moment

Jewell said...

Laura...I'm sorry to hear that you didn't have with your brother what your children have with one another. However, I think it's a HUGE testament to your parenting that your children do have this relationship with one another! It is definitely something that should make you happy!! =)

I have to say though, I grew up an only child and I also have envied having those friends that have brothers and sisters. I had a good life, but that is one thing that I've always envied about others and has made me sad about my upbringing. So, on one level, I can completely relate!

alejandro guzman said...

You are a great mother that is why they are as they are..

Enjoy their joy and get involved

A

charlie nitric said...

Hey Laura -

It sucks what you went through as a child. What doesn't suck is that you're living, witnessing, and experiencing, sibling love in the family you lead today. Your children is your relief from that pain. :)

https://charlienitric.wordpress.com/