Good (ish) News and More on the Toxic Workplace

So I have good news and bad news...

The good news is I got a call from an employer I interviewed with. They like me, they want me. This is an interview with a company I felt good about. Our personalities meshed well, and the manager interviewing me actually understood what I was talking about when I said I encountered difficulties with the male management at my last job in Alaska. Not MY direct manager, he was awesome, it was the store management. She said "Ego?" I told her it's what I heard, but I didn't want to believe that there could be problems like that for something so trivial... she went on to say how difficult it is for female managers in an industry primarily run by men, and how you constantly feel like you have to prove yourself and fight to be respected. HOLY SHIT! She gets it! That made me feel so good about where I was...you have no idea. I have the option and opportunity to move up within the company. No stagnation. This is important to me. So, yeah... they like me and want me.

The bad news is that while she got the OK from he district manager to hire from the outside for the position, he told her they needed to transfer someone in from another store. The position was no longer available. 

There is more good news! Ish...

She said that another position will be opening up soon, like within the next week or so, and she should know by "early next week" (that's now... keep fingers crossed please). She said she just needed to make sure she has dotted all her I's and crossed all her T's, but she will keep me in the loop as to what is going on. 

It gave me hope. It made me happy, but yet frustrates me because I know I am closer to quitting the toxic job I have now, but still don't know when. If you have ever worked in a toxic work environment you know what I am going through. You dread going in to work, you get sick to your stomach, you spend your days off not enjoying your free time but thinking about how much closer you are to having to go back. You get headaches frequently, upset stomachs, you have trouble sleeping, your home life suffers because of the stress you are going through. 

I was talking to a good friend the other day and told her I was wondering if it was me. Was I the one creating a toxic environment? Was it me because I questioned the managers and how they were doing things that I believed to be wrong? Was it me because I did not tell them about recurring appointments I have for my children during the interview? Was it me because I stopped going to them with concerns after I saw how they reacted to what had been brought up to them before?

Or was it them? Was my first clue the day I walked into the office with signs all over stating that "this is a drama free zone" and "Let it go"? Was it the coworkers who went to management with my concerns that got me under fire? Coworkers who got upset at some friendly teasing over catching shoplifters (saying I was good for the month while they weren't... I mean I didn't say they weren't, I just said "I am good for the month") so they went to the managers with something completely different and twisted my words. Put me in a situation where it was three against one where I felt like I was supposed to take everything they threw at me while they cast aside anything I said... or flat out stated I wasn't being honest with my answers. I tried so hard not to cry, I had to leave right after that to smoke and try to calm down... I wanted to quit right there, but the need for the extra money for my family is greater than my desire to quit this fucked up job. 

I have spent more time than you can imagine googling toxic work environments... I also googled toxic employees to see if it was me. This job really has me questioning myself, but at the same time the signs point to the problem being them more than me. I admit I have questioned their ethics, I admit I have complained at being treated like a child rather than an adult, I will admit I have complained at their lack of willingness to accommodate my schedule for my appointments for my kids. I will admit I have complained about feeling I have been thrown to the wolves on occasion. I admit I have complained about being told I cannot take sick leave for my kids appointments. 

Most recently I have taken to laughing while complaining when the manager pulled me aside to talk to them about not contacting them about switching shifts with another employee, an employee who told her when she came in that she was supposed to call and forgot. Then talked to me about "the vendetta against the door" because apparently I am always slamming the door. The talked to me about not talking to the new employee while she is trying to train him because I might confuse him... she made said new employee go home 2 hours early because he would have been alone with me. It's damn petty at this point. 

While I said before that I would rather work a job that I love for less pay than a job that I hate for more money, I realize a job is not just about what you are doing. While I love loss prevention, and I love what I do, I hate where I am. It's not just about the work, it's about your boss, it's about the coworkers, it's about the environment as a whole. 

And now I am biding my time until I can go in there and quit. 

Toxicity

Every day I go into work I fantasize about being able to quit. Seriously. All I am waiting for is a phone call from a prospective employer telling me I was selected for a job and I will quit where I am now. I have fantasized about this since the first few days of starting said job.

One fantasy includes me putting my credentials and keys on the desk in the office and saying "C'YA!" and walking out of the office with both middle fingers held high. Another fantasy includes me saying "Fuck this job, fuck you, I fucking quit!"

Honestly I have no clue how it will go down. I may just lay my credentials and work keys on the desk and silently walk out... screaming in joy all the way home. The point is I am miserable at work. While I love doing loss prevention work, I hate where I am. I am in a position with a company that gives me ZERO chance of moving up in position. There is a lady that has been in her position there (same position as me) since 2008. That is 10 years being stagnant in a low level position! I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!

The managers are... well let's just say the workplace is toxic. The managers are micro-managers. I was literally told yesterday "We need you to be independent" yet in the next breath being told I need to call them with anything that happens right away (this was in response to me not calling them about the shoplifter I could not stop and spent the majority of the day gathering ditched packaging and doing video review). Soooo I need to be independent yet not... OK.

I was told not to eat in the camera room while another LP was literally right next to me eating and NOTHING was said to her.

While I know what I am doing and am damn good at LP work, I do NOT know the computer portion of it at the company because it has been three years since I did it. I forgot... sue me. I told them I did not remember the computer portion (entering in cases, etc). I told them many times. They had the nerve to tell me that since I was prior LP and I was saying "I know this" or "I got this" they thought there was no problem. I told them that I had told them NUMEROUS times I did not know the computer part, they looked at me like I had horns growing out of my face.

When I told one LP that I felt like no one wanted to help me when I needed to stop my shoplifters last week that LP then went to the managers and said that I said no one helped me at all. The story was I saw the subjects select merchandise, I did not see the concealment because it was in a blind spot. I went on the floor to where I assumed he concealed and found empty packaging, I told the fellow LP we needed to stop them, she says "OK" I hear her yell for the assistant manager and she hangs up the phone. I go to the front of the store to wait for someone to assist because we are not supposed to make a stop alone and NO ONE SHOWS. I go back to the office and walk in and say "Is no one going to come help?" I get told by the managers "We didn't see what you saw". Ummmm... does it fucking matter???? I SAW IT! IT'S MY JOB!!!! That's not what I said though, I said "He stole the earrings, I have the empty packaging. We need to stop them" To which they replied "Are you sure?" I replied "YES!" I was getting impatient because all this time we are wasting they could get away. The fellow LP grabs her credentials (I did not have mine yet) and goes to stop them. She made the stop and we escorted them back. I get scolded for her doing the stop instead of me... apparently I am supposed to flash my dependent ID card instead of credentials...

I feel all of this is SO STUPID and I want out. I really do. I want a new job where I feel trusted and valued. A job where I am treated like an adult woman rather than a inexperienced kid.  I have anxiety daily, I often cry on my drive home, I often call my bestie to cry to her because SHE GETS IT! I feel sick to my stomach and have frequent migraines. This job is literally making me sick. It's toxic. 

And now part of me is terrified someone will see this and I may get fired before I can quit. 

Shoplifting and... I have a few words.

So yesterday I saw someone shoplifting at the tail end of the "experience". I mean I did not see the parts I had to in order to stop the person, but I saw him tearing open packaging and stuffing the product into his pocket. This is where working loss prevention pisses me off. In order to make a stop there are certain elements you need; unfortunately I was unable to get the elements until after he had left the store already... with his children.

What bothers me is not that this person was stealing while he had his children with him, it was that he was stealing WITH his children! His children were stealing too! These kids were not old, they were maybe 12 or 13 at the oldest, 8 or 9 at the youngest (I am guessing from their appearance). One kid walked in wearing one outfit and walked out wearing something new entirely. So that tells me this man is TRAINING his kids to steal! ON A MILITARY BASE!!!!

So yeah... today when I go in I will go over all the video footage I was able to pull and save of this man and his children stealing, enough footage to turn it over to the military police I hope... to include his license plate number.

The upsetting thing about this is that I saw first hand at what is going wrong with America. I saw that not all parents really care about their children. Not all parents want their children to do well and make something out of themselves. Not all parents want their children to stay out of trouble. I saw one parent (I have no idea what the mom is like) walk into a store with his two boys and encourage them to steal. It is sad. If this is allowed and encouraged what else have they been taught?

Those boys have been set up for a life of failure. They have been set up for a life of crime that will slowly escalate. They have been set up for a mentality that makes everyone other than themselves responsible for their actions. "THE WORLD OWES ME!" It is sad for many reasons that I really cannot articulate now. It's like a 16 year old that I caught shoplifting earrings but he bought a package of baby bottles... and he had a HUGE wad of cash in his pocket, like dealing drugs wad of cash (he reeked of pot too), and the only thing his mom said to him was "Why are you buying baby bottles?"

Don't blame lack of religion, because I am not religious and my children have grown up to be law abiding individuals that care about others. They don't roam the streets at night breaking into cars and homes, they don't steal, they don't deal drugs, they don't vandalize any property... I raised them. I talked to them, I gave them consequences for their actions, I made sure the consequences were harsh enough that they would think about that next time the thought to do wrong would even cross their mind! I am not saying my children are perfect. They are not. They make mistakes... hell my youngest was caught shoplifting years ago, but he has not done it since.

Don't blame music, movies, or video games either. My kids played those games that most would view as questionable... but I talked to them about it, talked to them about how it was wrong and people shouldn't behave that way. I didn't say it was cool or glorify the behavior in any way. The problem is parents not parenting anymore. The mindset of many people today is the problem. Hell, even some of the laws are the problem! Can't spank a kid today without CPS putting their noses into the situation! So many don't believe in spanking their kids because they didn't like it when they were kids. No, we didn't like it, that's the point. It kept us from doing stupid shit because it made us think twice about what we were going to do! You can spank without it being abuse. Period. There is a line.

You Were Never There

Here is something that has been going through my mind for the last few days. My father passed away in October. He was an Army veteran and had told me he was in Vietnam. He had nothing to prove this and I had never asked for proof because why would he lie to me?

I had written a paper on him and his experiences when I was in high school. I remember it clearly. I had asked him if he would be willing to be interviewed for it and he told me to sit down and pay close attention because he was only going to tell his story once. He didn't like talking about it and he would never speak of it again.

His story was vivid, and he went into as much detail as he could. I remember my father waking up in the middle of the night at times rushing outside because he couldn't breath. I had heard it was because he was having flashbacks from when he was in Vietnam, being in a tunnel, and someone had gassed it; he was trying to get out of the tunnel so he could breath again. I had felt shrapnel from a mortar in his scalp.

He would tell me about his first stint in the army when he was in Germany, met a German woman, and married her. How she died in a car accident. I have that photo of him and her together in Germany. His stories included "a buddy of mine", never any names that I can remember... and he would tell me he learned not to make friends with anyone because then it wouldn't hurt so much when they were killed.

After my father dies I wrote to the National Archives asking for his full military records including anything from Vietnam. A few days ago I got a letter back with the information I already had from his time in service with a note stating there were no records or orders to substantiate any service in Vietnam and his overseas duty was in Germany.

Now here is where things get confusing, at least for me.They gave me a list of his medals. One of them is the Overseas Service Ribbon with the numeral 2. This means he was overseas twice. When he was in Germany when I was a kid (I was there too) he never went back overseas after that. He never went before that for that current enlistment. My mother and he got married, he was stationed in Washington, then stationed in Germany, and then Colorado; he finished his enlistment out in Colorado. What was the other overseas tour?? Was it the time he was there and met his wife? I am trying to remember if he said he was there stationed or just went there on R&R. How was he in then and able to not get sent to Vietnam? Something is missing here.

I am not sure where to go from here. I am going to send off for his Selective Service record, since he was of age during the Vietnam draft. I am going to send off for as much information as I can, but not knowing who he served with, or any other details because my father was a SUPER private man is going to make this difficult. I refuse to believe he lied to me. I have done some searching online and have seen numerous other Vietnam vets that have been told "You were never there", and trying to find a way to prove it because they needed to make a claim with the VA because of cancer or something else connected to their service in Vietnam. This isn't right. I refused to allow my father's memory to be sullied by the government that can't ever keep records straight.

This might explain why my father chose to be buried in the local cemetery rather than in a national cemetery. He probably knew they lost his records, he probably knew they were denying he was there, and he didn't have the energy or means to fight it. He was also too proud a man to discuss any of his issues he had had with the VA over many years. He wanted to be remembered for his service in Vietnam on his headstone and he made sure he was. If he was buried in a national cemetery he wouldn't have been remembered as such. It was his way of telling them FUCK YOU I WAS THERE!

Anyway, I am feeling lost, and apart from requesting his selective service record I am not sure where to go from here. If anyone knows, please let me know.

Time to Catch Up...

Here again! My last post was almost 4 years ago... damn. I am awful.A friend of mine from when I lived in Germany suggested I start writing again as stress relief. Goodness knows I need to. No one is probably reading this anymore, but if anything I am getting it out. Facebook is not a diary, but this can be... sort of. SOOOOOOOOOO much has happened in that 4 years, and I am not even sure how to even start on what has been going on.

When I last posted I believe I was working Loss Prevention at AAFES, I did that for a few years and then quit for a job at MWR that I left out of misery and then started working as a Loss Prevention Manager at Lowe's in Fairbanks. While I had a few issues while I was working there I loved my job, loved my fellow LPM's in Anchorage, and loved the boss I had.

The most recent thing is we are no longer in Alaska. We moved to Texas in July 2017 and it has been nothing short of a culture shock to me. I quit my job that I LOVED in Alaska to move because big army said so and was unable to find a job for 6 months. The job I left in Alaska opened the day we landed in Texas and so I applied for it, I interviewed, I was not selected. I was devastated. Every job I applied for I was either completely ignored, got a thanks but no thanks email, or called for an interview and then rejected (sometimes radio silence after an interview which I found EXTREMELY unprofessional). I finally got a job but I hate it. I mean, I love what I am doing (loss prevention), but management is toxic and the pay sucks horribly. They can't blame it on Texas vs. Alaska because places off post (yes, I am working for AAFES, seems I have come full circle in a way... boo) here in Texas pay more than this place does. I have 3+ years of experience and a masters degree and I am getting low wages. I took the job because I panicked and was desperate. My unemployment was about to run out and no one was hiring me. I was wondering if something was wrong with me... but people have been telling me that here it is not about what you know it is about WHO you know. I have never had that issue before.

My father passed away in October. I have not seen him since right before we moved to Germany. I called him often, but I was never able to get to Nebraska to see him... I feel awful about that.  It was apparent by how he was living that he was a very lonely and depressed man. I hope in death he has found the peace he couldn't find in life. He died of natural causes, but you could tell he had given up.

A few years ago my daughter was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. As it stands now it's just anxiety and ADHD, and she has made some MASSIVE strides in her own recovery and I have had to be a strong advocate for her. I was taking her to counseling appointments weekly, then biweekly. I was taking her to appointments for medications she needed. I was fighting with army docs over medications. Just recently she was diagnosed with endometriosis. She is taking it well and hoping it was caught early enough to not have caused much damage internally so that she can have children some day. She will be graduating high school next year if all goes well.

I called it quits on my last attempt at a masters degree. I finished all my coursework and stopped at practicum and internship because of some major soul searching. With everything going on in my life; with my husband with PTSD and my daughter with her anxiety, and with me being the one to deal with it I realized that if I became a counselor I would NEVER get a break. I would burn out FAST. It wasn't the right time for me to do it.... and while my passion behind doing it is the same, I realized that my passion wouldn't save whatever sanity I have left.

So here is some good stuff! We got another dog. The husband named him Sapper because "he was going to be his dog", but Sapper decided that I was his human... I wanted to name him Bear, either way we had to change the name he came to us with: "T-Bone"... this dog is not a steak. I have a job interview on Tuesday and I hope that it ends well because I need out of the job I have. Fingers crossed! It's just a supervisor position, but its better than what I have now and if I get it I can have an easier track into management.

I cleaned out my Facebook from a LOT of negativity. People who I had thought were friends that were just a cancer eating away at my confidence and whatnot. At first I kept them around to keep an eye on them, but then realized I won't see any bullshit on there so I realized better to cut ties and be done with it... it actually relieved a lot of stress. I keep my friend circle small and share very little with people because I have trust issues. I am too old for high school drama.

I will do my best to blog regularly again and make them more entertaining than this one was. I just felt like I needed to explain why I was gone for so long. Something has to change. The stress I am under has caused me to emotionally eat, which caused me to gain weight, which makes me more unhappy. So here is to hope. Here is to luck.