The good news is I got a call from an employer I interviewed with. They like me, they want me. This is an interview with a company I felt good about. Our personalities meshed well, and the manager interviewing me actually understood what I was talking about when I said I encountered difficulties with the male management at my last job in Alaska. Not MY direct manager, he was awesome, it was the store management. She said "Ego?" I told her it's what I heard, but I didn't want to believe that there could be problems like that for something so trivial... she went on to say how difficult it is for female managers in an industry primarily run by men, and how you constantly feel like you have to prove yourself and fight to be respected. HOLY SHIT! She gets it! That made me feel so good about where I was...you have no idea. I have the option and opportunity to move up within the company. No stagnation. This is important to me. So, yeah... they like me and want me.
The bad news is that while she got the OK from he district manager to hire from the outside for the position, he told her they needed to transfer someone in from another store. The position was no longer available.
There is more good news! Ish...
She said that another position will be opening up soon, like within the next week or so, and she should know by "early next week" (that's now... keep fingers crossed please). She said she just needed to make sure she has dotted all her I's and crossed all her T's, but she will keep me in the loop as to what is going on.
It gave me hope. It made me happy, but yet frustrates me because I know I am closer to quitting the toxic job I have now, but still don't know when. If you have ever worked in a toxic work environment you know what I am going through. You dread going in to work, you get sick to your stomach, you spend your days off not enjoying your free time but thinking about how much closer you are to having to go back. You get headaches frequently, upset stomachs, you have trouble sleeping, your home life suffers because of the stress you are going through.
I was talking to a good friend the other day and told her I was wondering if it was me. Was I the one creating a toxic environment? Was it me because I questioned the managers and how they were doing things that I believed to be wrong? Was it me because I did not tell them about recurring appointments I have for my children during the interview? Was it me because I stopped going to them with concerns after I saw how they reacted to what had been brought up to them before?
Or was it them? Was my first clue the day I walked into the office with signs all over stating that "this is a drama free zone" and "Let it go"? Was it the coworkers who went to management with my concerns that got me under fire? Coworkers who got upset at some friendly teasing over catching shoplifters (saying I was good for the month while they weren't... I mean I didn't say they weren't, I just said "I am good for the month") so they went to the managers with something completely different and twisted my words. Put me in a situation where it was three against one where I felt like I was supposed to take everything they threw at me while they cast aside anything I said... or flat out stated I wasn't being honest with my answers. I tried so hard not to cry, I had to leave right after that to smoke and try to calm down... I wanted to quit right there, but the need for the extra money for my family is greater than my desire to quit this fucked up job.
I have spent more time than you can imagine googling toxic work environments... I also googled toxic employees to see if it was me. This job really has me questioning myself, but at the same time the signs point to the problem being them more than me. I admit I have questioned their ethics, I admit I have complained at being treated like a child rather than an adult, I will admit I have complained at their lack of willingness to accommodate my schedule for my appointments for my kids. I will admit I have complained about feeling I have been thrown to the wolves on occasion. I admit I have complained about being told I cannot take sick leave for my kids appointments.
Most recently I have taken to laughing while complaining when the manager pulled me aside to talk to them about not contacting them about switching shifts with another employee, an employee who told her when she came in that she was supposed to call and forgot. Then talked to me about "the vendetta against the door" because apparently I am always slamming the door. The talked to me about not talking to the new employee while she is trying to train him because I might confuse him... she made said new employee go home 2 hours early because he would have been alone with me. It's damn petty at this point.
While I said before that I would rather work a job that I love for less pay than a job that I hate for more money, I realize a job is not just about what you are doing. While I love loss prevention, and I love what I do, I hate where I am. It's not just about the work, it's about your boss, it's about the coworkers, it's about the environment as a whole.
And now I am biding my time until I can go in there and quit.
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