PTSD and the "Cure"

I know it is has been a while since I blogged, and I know I posted on Facebook that I would be posting "soon". The issue with me is #1 busy schedule #2 motivation #3 I love to sleep. I am working 34 hours a week, and I just started working on my 2nd masters degree as well. Add to that an emotional 14 year old girl that is struggling with school and  a husband with PTSD that is ALSO struggling with school and you come up with a woman who is so stretched thin that she just wants to get in her footie pajama's and crawl in bed before 9pm. Wine would help too, but I had to request a special order for it... so I wait for my Riesling escape.

Well, the point to this blog is mainly to discuss something that has been bugging me as of late. My husbands counselor has said that she thinks his PTSD is in remission. Great news, right? Well it is wrong, because she is wrong. How can PTSD go into remission? It is not a fucking disease! People may learn to control their symptoms/triggers, whatever you want to call them, they may not react as severely as they once did, but those triggers that they have never really go away. PTSD is not curable. I was stupid and naive to believe people when they told me at the beginning of this ordeal that "The good news is PTSD is not forever", the fuck it isn't. There will ALWAYS be triggers, there will ALWAYS be pain, there will ALWAYS be struggles... the difference is how it is handled pre treatment vs. post treatment.

I have done a LOT of research on this, and I have not seen one article ANYWHERE that states PTSD is curable. I did see one article that said that statement was up for debate, but generally it has been shown to not be curable. The DSM-5 (American Psychiatric Association, 2013) changed the classification of PTSD to a stress/trauma disorder rather than an anxiety disorder. And as I write this a thought just occurred to me. The DSM states that PTSD can be caused by learning about a traumatic event that happened to a close friend or family member (pg.271)... I would say that in instances like that maybe PTSD is curable, but to people who directly experienced a traumatic event that have those images from their experiences seared into their memory, it will be a lifelong struggle that most people can never understand.



The lifelong struggle is what drives so many veterans with PTSD to commit suicide, ignorant statements such as "It is curable" gives these people false hope, and when that long awaited remission or cure does not happen they feel death is the only escape. I live in fear every day that one of these days my husband might become one of those statistics of veterans that lost their fight with PTSD. When he makes remarks like "I am sorry I am such a burden" my heart sinks. I tell him he is not a burden, but he just does not believe it because HE feels like he is a burden. It is not anything we say to him, it is his own internal struggle.




I am working on my 2nd masters so that I can become a counselor; I want to become licensed and help people and their spouses deal with this horrible disorder. I cannot directly help my husband. I can be supportive of him, love him, and be there for him the best that I can, but I cannot be his therapist (Lord knows I don't want to be either). I can, however, help people in similar situations as ours and try to help guide them towards hope rather than despair. Teach them that while it is not curable it is treatable and can one day become manageable with hard work and effort. I don't want any veteran thinking that a permanent solution to any problem is ever the answer.

If you are ever thinking about suicide and feel unsafe:

Call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day.

Veterans, press "1" after being connected, to be routed to the Veterans Crisis Line.

Veterans can also chat live online with a crisis counselor to get help at any time of day or night. Go to Veterans Crisis Line*.

The Veterans Crisis Line also responds to text messages. Send a text to 838255.

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and 
     statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: 
     American Psychiatric Publishing.

My Mission

My husband being diagnosed with PTSD has not been as easy as I had hoped it would be. Years ago I KNEW he had PTSD, he didn't. I thought once he was finally diagnosed that everything would miraculously get better, he would be put on some magical medication that would make it all go away.

How ignorant was I?? (As a side note, as I uploaded this picture to the blog my husband walked by and said "A magic pill, huh? I need that" I told him, I know... that is what this is about!" He then called me an ass...)

The reality of it all is that he has been in inpatient treatment programs twice and goes to therapy at least once a week. We have started couples counseling and he is on medications that he may or may not take. His reasons for not taking his medication are #1 It upsets his stomach and #2 It makes him feel weak. I told him I do not care, he has been prescribed it, he has to take it, and if it really makes him feel that bad he needs to make an appointment with the doctor to talk about an adjustment.

Things have not been peachy, but there has been improvement. He will still fly off the handle at little shit, but he is quicker to come back to reality and reason than he was before. He is starting to understand how toxic his mother is to him, and that she cannot be the support that he wants her to be no matter how hard he tries to reach out.

He is starting to understand how hard this is on me and the family and that his PTSD affects more than just him, his moods affect more than just him, and his triggers affect more than just him. I am just starting to learn about secondary PTSD. I have learned that being a spouse of a soldier with PTSD can make me feel just as alone as he feels with what he is going through.

There is no one here on this post that I have met that is married to a soldier with PTSD. No support system on this post to meet with others, share stories, and vent about the things we deal with on a day to day basis. Don't get me wrong, I have WONDERFUL family and friends, but sometimes the ear and voice of someone who is going through the same things as you are mean more than the sympathy of those that have not or are not living it. I mean, who else but a spouse of a soldier with PTSD will understand when we need to vent about the anger, the name calling, the impulsive behavior, the withdrawal, the inappropriate behavior, the nightmares, or the flashbacks (just to name a few)? We don't talk to anyone about it because it embarrasses us, or we are trying to protect them... and doing that secludes us and makes us feel alone.

So here is where my mission comes in. I know I cannot be the only one on this post that is married to a soldier with PTSD. I cannot be the only one that is living with what I am on a day to day basis. I want o start a support group for women like me who can vent, seek support, get advice, GIVE advice, and be a part of something that can help us make sense of it all and know that we are not alone in what we live with. I cannot tell you how much it helps just to talk to someone who understands, or laugh with someone who has the same stories as I do about our husbands (because to be honest, sometimes the shit they do is just ridiculous!). Tomorrow I am going to start talking to people and researching what I need to do to get this thing started... as of right now I feel alone, because for all I know I AM the only one on post that is going through this.

Another side note, if anyone wants to contact me about this or PTSD, or whatever... contact me through my blog's FB page @ Through My Insanity and What Else Is There?

Reintegration and PTSD Support

So what's new? A lot... The husband is almost complete with his 10 week PTSD program at OASIS in San Diego; like so almost complete he has less than a week left and will be back by Thursday.

These last ten weeks have been a ride. I have seen changes in my husband that are hard for me to deal with. They are positive changes, but who would have known that positive changes would be so hard to accept? I have learned that things that trigger him, trigger me as well. When he touches on subjects that trigger him I am sitting here getting anxious waiting for the bomb to drop... but when it doesn't and he remains calm I am left in a hyper-vigilant state trying to calm myself and trying to remind myself that this is a good thing.

We started family counseling via VTC (Video Tele-Conferencing) last week, and it went well; it wasn't perfect, but it was good. The therapist mentioned rules in the home, the daughter replied "Wait, we have rules?", the husband proceeded to mock slamming his head into the table. I laughed my ass off.

His return home will not be immediate. We will do a slow reintegration so that he can adjust, the kids can adjust, and I can adjust. It is not an instant process where everyone is happy and ok. Last night the husband and I were chatting online and he seemed down about coming home, feeling like it was never going to happen. When I told him the kids were coming with me to greet him at the airport his demeanor changed and he seemed more positive about it and changed his line of thought completely. He loves the kids, and knowing that they miss him and want to have him back home means a lot to him... especially since he thought they hated him. I know they didn't hate him, but to be honest they did not like him... not him as a person, but the way he acted, reacted, and behaved.

The daughter worried that her behaviors and moods months ago was what was triggering him. To quote her "Mom, is the way I was acting back then what was pissing him off? Did I piss him off with how I was acting?" I told her that he had a limited range of emotion. I explained I think that he was more frustrated and it just translated straight to "pissed off". He saw she was upset and withdrawn, he wanted to fix it, and was upset that he couldn't. She replied "I think he will like me now better." I love my daughter. Not only is she thinking about him and what he is going through, she is recognizing how her behaviors and moods can affect others (good life lesson).

I have joined a group on Facebook called PTSD Project that I found via a page of the same name. PTSD Project is a page that is an organization of Vets and spouses who are hoping to help their brothers and sisters in arms and their families realize they are not alone. They are in the process of applying for 501c3 status.The group is a relatively new group, and screens the people that they allow into their closed group carefully. This helps those that are struggling feel safe to share their experiences and problems without fear of being judged by the rest of their friends and family on Facebook. The group has quickly become an extended family to me, and they help me (and so many others) in ways that are amazing.

Progress

The husband is beginning his third week of treatment for PTSD in San Diego. I am not sure if he is noticing the progress he is making, but I sure do.

I chat with him nightly online via Facebook video chat, or just Facebook chat, and have him tell me how his days are going. The other night he told me about one of the guys there being picked on by others in the group because he talks... a lot. I commended my husband for sticking up for the guy and telling off the bullies. I also told him how I could remember a time that he would have been just as annoyed with the talker's jabber and probably would have been just as mean.

I reminded my husband that treatment is a process for everyone and not everyone progresses at the same rate (it probably helps that he got a leg up with the treatment in San Antonio). They are all there for the same thing, just some are on different stages of progress.

Last night he told me all of the things he loves about me. These are things he has never really said before. I love knowing how he feels, and knowing that he values and appreciates me for more than the physical aspects of our relationship. Feelings are not something he expresses easily.

The man is making progress, and I believe that through all of this our relationship is getting stronger because of it. I love my husband and I am so proud of him for conquering his fears and getting help.

Normal?

I really did pick an apt title for my blog. While I may not write as much as I used to, I am still trying. I keep finding it increasingly difficult to put into words what I am going through or what my family has been going through. Regardless... here is an update.

My daughter is driving me insane. She is 13 years old, perpetually ill, or something is going wrong with her braces, or she wants something... wait  NEEDS something all the damned time. We honestly thought she was going to fail the 8th grade, but by some miracle she passed and will be going into 9th grade next year. We don't know how she did it. She told me she is happy but not as happy as she would be normally because she does not feel like she earned it. The constant drama that comes with having her in the house is a drain on my sanity.

Not my daughter... it could be be though...

My youngest son got caught shoplifting last week. The MP's called me and I had to go to the store to get him. He was not telling them ANYTHING- like his name, how old he was, etc. They got my info from a letter in his backpack... his little stunt could have resulted in us losing our home!! I know the kid is ADHD, but I did not raise my children to steal!!!!  He has to learn to control his impulses!! So I am sending him to therapy for just that.

The husband is now in San Diego getting more treatment for his PTSD. He is about complete with his 2nd week there, 8 more weeks to go... I do not even know where to begin on that one... what to say... so for now I am just going to leave it, maybe discuss it at a later time.

I had to quit work, I did not want to, but I had to. I HATE sitting at home. I have been so bored, and with everything going on and no escape for me I have slipped into a depression of sorts. Sitting home, not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone.... yeah, it sucks.

I have been avoiding the mother-in-law as much as I can. She called me on mother's day and I ignored the call. To be fair I was sick and did not really want to talk to anyone, though I did call my aunt and talk to her for a bit... alright so I did not want to talk to anyone that pisses me off or makes me want to hack off my arm rather than speak to them longer than 5 seconds.

I hate Alaska!! OK, the scenery is beautiful (if you leave Fairbanks), the Northern Lights are gorgeous (sucks in the summer when there is no darkness), but how remote this place is and the lack of anything to do unless you hunt, fish, drink, or use drugs is terrible! It can drive a person to drink, use drugs, or take up drunken hunting and fishing....

Back to the teen daughter thing... why does she insist on using/stealing EVERYTHING I buy for myself even if she has something of her own??? Perfect example: I bought some facial cleansers because there are times I break out like a teen and I wanted to see if these would help. I am tired of looking like a crackhead. I go into my bathroom yesterday to wash my face before bed and I see that she has used my facial cleansers!!! WHY?!?!?! That girl uses PROACTIV!!!! The Proactiv works wonderfully BTW... it is the only thing that worked for her over anything else that you don't have to get from a dermatologist. She comes downstairs and I see she is wearing my clothes. Seriously??? Ugh!

I just want my life to be normal again...

But what is normal anyway??

She will pray for a dog...

First off, the husband is doing well. He has voluntarily signed admittance to the hospital so he can get the treatment he needs until he can go to the treatment center in Texas. He is not happy about it, but he did it... and that is a step. He wants to thank everyone for the prayers and support, I know it means a lot to him and I know he needs it.

Yesterday his CO called me on the husband's cell phone because he did not have my phone number, and he did not know that I had the husband's phone until later during the day. He advised me of visiting hours at the hospital and as soon as I got off the phone with him I went to visit the husband. During the phone call he told me that he had called the husband's mother.

If you had read any of the "Adventures in Funerals" posts you would know his mother is not a stable person. So when the CO told me that he called the husband's mother I replied with "Oh God, you didn't..." He sighed and said "Yes, I did. I had to. Her number is the only correct number I had." He then asked me for his brothers number and my phone number so that he would not have to call her again. I couldn't help but laugh.

I went to visit the husband, he was very sedated, but was able to think clearly. We talked for a bit. He told me he was sorry. I told him he has prayers and positive thoughts coming from all over. He said "Tell them thank you. I appreciate it." When I got home I called his mother... it was inevitable, I had to.

I called her and told her that he was ok. He was safe. He was getting the help he needs. I told her that what he needed right now was prayers, positive thoughts and energy sent his way. He needed to know we love him, support him, and will be behind him through all of this. I told her this at least three or four times during the phone call, all to which she replied with "Yeah.."

At one point during the call the conversation switched to our animals. My cat is newly diagnosed with diabetes, and she has a dog with diabetes. The dog, she told me, had to have life saving surgery back in January, and that the vet said the dog might not survive. She said to me: "You were talking about praying? I was praying to Jesus, God, the Virgin Mary, all the Saints, and anyone else who would hear my prayers. Please don't let my dog die, I can't handle another loss!"

That pissed me off. I tell her that her son needs prayers over what he is going through and she responds with an offhanded "yeah" but her dog has surgery and she is praying to everyone?!?!??! What the F*#K (better Aunt Janie?). Seriously, the husband asked her over a week ago to call the family in Texas to ask for prayers and she told him no, she did not want to worry them. REALLY???? What is wrong with this woman?!?!?!?

During the phone call she tried to make it about her. She said "I know he is worried about me and me being alone and stuff." To which I replied "Well, he has been told by his CO, his doctors, and ME that he has a mission to take care of himself. He is not supposed to worry about anyone but himself. He needs to focus on HIMSELF and get better!" She did not like that and ended the conversation quick. I am glad. I could not take much more of that selfish woman.

Maybe I am being overprotective of him right now, but DAMNIT! What kind of mother is she? Why does it have to be about her? Why can't she show genuine concern for her son? I told Jeff a week or so ago that he needs to learn that she is his mother, he is her son. He is NOT her parent and he has no obligation to take care of her when she is fully capable of caring for herself. It is not his responsibility just because she is being needy and does not want to help herself.

DONE!

So is THIS Rock Bottom?

Last night was one of the longest and most frightening nights I can remember having in a long time. Yes, the husband was diagnosed with PTSD, and yes he had started counseling, but all that meant is that all of the emotions, turmoil, and memories that he had held in for 10+ years started coming out.

Last night was a breaking point for him. His reality is that he was doing his school work, and getting increasingly frustrated because he was just not understanding it (algebra- I don't get it either). He got hungry and decided to go to the PX and get something to eat (this was around 8:20pm), the PX was closed and he got angry because he just wanted to eat. He texted me, and I called and he was talking to me. He decided to go to the Shopette and get something. He went in and did not see anything he wanted, so he got a Mountain Dew and went back to his room. When he pulled into the parking lot it was filled with MP's and an ambulance. He was scared, confused, and did not know what was going on.

The reality: he was doing school work, got frustrated, wanted to quit. Went to get food and got pissed because the PX was closed. He texted me "sounding" despondent. I called him and was talking to him, and while I was talking to him he "left". He went from being despondent to being in Iraq. I drove out to see him and try to calm him. By this time he was in a full on flashback. I called his best friend and tried getting him to talk to him. He did not know him, he did not know me. The look on his face was absolutely terrifying. I got out of there and went home. His best friend told me to call the MP's, he needed to be safe. I called the MP's and told them what was going on. When he returned to the barracks they were everywhere. They took him to the hospital to evaluate him. I met him there...


From what he thinks happened to what really happened there is a three hour lapse in time that is unaccounted for in his reality. I asked him what time he thought it was, he responded "About 9?" I told him no, it was almost 1 am. The look of confusion and fear on his face was heartbreaking. He had a full blown flashback that took him away from himself for three hours and he has no recollection of it.

This is the reality, this is a face of PTSD. Luckily he did not hurt anyone, including himself, but if I did not call for help it may have been only a matter of time before he did hurt himself or someone else. Maybe not that night, maybe not the next day, but I know it was coming.

Right now he is in the hospital getting the intensive help he needs. He is waiting for the completed referral to go to a treatment center in TX for soldiers with acute PTSD. There is hope. This is not permanent. This is scary though and he needs prayers. Please keep him in your thoughts, prayers, or send positive energy his way. He needs it.

What's Next??

Since the last time I wrote I decided to take a week off of work to try to get my thoughts together. So much has happened that I needed a break and I decided to cut the one thing I could from my life (if only for a week)... work. Prepare yourself for a long post...

Monday was a day from hell... I took my cat Draco to the vet because we noticed he was losing weight. I had been noticing that he was peeing lakes in the litter box, and combined with the weight loss I was afraid of diabetes. 

This picture was taken at Christmas... from then when he was a fluffy 20 lb furball, till I took him to the vet on Monday he had lost 7 lbs. That 7 lb weight loss happened in a matter of weeks.

At the vet... not happy!

They took a blood sugar test and his numbers were over 400... diabetes. The vet suggested a low fat, low carb, high protein food for him and I grabbed the largest bag that they had there. a 20 lb bag cost me almost $60, add to that the vet's fees and I spent over $300 that morning... I still had to go get his insulin from the human pharmacist.

After the vet I had an appointment to see the husband's counselor. That went well, we discussed what he is going through emotionally, what we can expect, and what the plan is. It is a lot of information, so much so that I cannot wrap my head around it this morning (not enough coffee). Basically, he is a wreck emotionally when he can be. During his counseling appointments and such he remembers things, talks about it, cries, shakes, and allows himself to feel (and it scares him). As soon as he leaves and goes back to work he is back in soldier mode and no one at his work can see a difference in his performance. That made me feel better knowing he is holding his military bearing when he needs to- it is not affecting his job right now and no one is looking down on him. 

Right after that I had to go get the daughter from school and take her to the orthodontist to get fitted for her braces. That was a 3 hour appointment. While waiting I picked up Draco's insulin and about died from the sticker shock... $155 for his insulin and syringes!!! HOLY SHIT! That cat cost me almost $500 in one day! If he was not my furbaby and if I did not love all my furbabies like my own kids... never mind, I can't even think about that. Some might say, "He is a cat! That is a lot of money for a cat!" Well yes, but if you do not love animals like my family does, if your pets are not members of your family, then you will never understand.

I got home, worked on school work, and went to bed after 11 pm. I woke up the next day at 5:30 am and started my day. I decided I needed a day to relax. No appointments, no where to go. A day to relax, sleep, and clean if I felt like it. So I called in to work, told my boss I needed a day, and prepared myself to relax! Well, that day was hijacked when the daughter's school called me and told me she was feeling sick, throwing up, and hysterical. SHIT! OK, so I go get her from school, she is having another panic attack (she has been having them a lot lately). I took her home and called Behavioral Health to see if I could get her in to see an MD to get her prescribed something for the attacks and such. They have her see a counselor who basically told her that she was doing all of this for attention and likened her panic attacks to teenage temper tantrums. She also told me that I needed to let her figure stuff out (stuff meaning how to calm herself, etc.) on her own. She had been refusing to eat or drink all morning, and I had a feeling that some of her issue was because of that. The counselor said "She will eat when she is hungry, she will drink when she is thirsty"... uh, really? No she won't. Does she know ANYTHING about teenagers? ANYTHING about behavioral health, emotional disorders... ANYTHING?!?!?!?! UGH!

Me... things got pretty serious on Monday!

I was told to take my daughter to her regular doctor to have him prescribe something for depression and anxiety. I did. He told me he does not do that, it is up to the psychiatrist to do, and she needs to see a psychiatrist. @#$%^!!!!!! He did note that the last time she went in and got labs done they noticed she was dehydrated. He explained dehydration can cause dizziness  stomach upset, etc... Might be anxiety, might be dehydration, might be both? He did end up prescribing her an antidepressant, and said to follow up with a psychiatrist so that she can continue on the meds if they work. I went and got that filled and then went to Popeye's to get the daughter some mashed potatoes and fries so she could eat something soft that would not hurt her mouth (braces, remember?). 

The rest of the day went great. The next day I went to work, told my boss I needed at least a week off, and went home. I was able to be home, clean, relax, and I felt great. Then Thursday came and I went to a few appointments with the husband. I wanted to know what he was being told vs. what he heard. He has so many thoughts and fears and emotions swirling around in his head he is not hearing everything as it is in reality. We left his appointments and went to meet with his CO. That went well, it is amazing how different he acts in front of his CO over the counselors. How much BETTER he listens to his CO over his counselors! Maybe it is the military authority thing, and due to the nature of his PTSD he is able to snap back well enough to listen to his CO over his female, non-military counselors. 

So here is the plan. The husband is going to be sent to a 5 week or so intensive PTSD treatment center in San Antonio. He is scared, but we all think it is best for him and know he will be so much better when he gets back. I just keep telling him it is going to be ok, you can do this, you are going to be alright...

I also told him that he needs to consider the benefits to doing this and getting better. Not only will he be happy and able to relax for the first time in I don't know how many years, but he will be able to be a mentor to others that are experiencing what he is right now! He can tell them it is ok, he can tell them that this will not ruin their career AS LONG AS THEY GET HELP! PTSD is NOT PERMANENT!!  It is not a death sentence if you seek and get the help you need! There is hope, and he will be able to provide a whole new perspective and level of expertise (in a way) as an NCO that he was not able to do before. This treatment is only going to make him a better person! It is just sad that he can not see any of that right now...

PTSD- FINALLY!!!

Alright, so the title might seem a little strange, but after years of telling the husband that I believe he has PTSD, and years of him denying it, and years of putting up with so much bullshit... the husband finally went to get help and is getting a diagnosis. First I want to apologize if my thoughts seem to jump all over, but they are... I am going to try to type this out in the most coherent way that I can.

You have no idea how relieved I am, and scared at the same time. There was one thought that never crossed my mind through all these years: If he gets help and starts treatment, he will get worse before he gets better. It has only been a few weeks so far, and I can already see it. So many emotions and memories all welling up to the surface at once, and for a man that spent so many years hiding emotion and suppressing the memories, this is very painful for him.

I am not going to get into the nitty gritty of what finally made him get help, that is a private matter, but I will say that for a lot of soldiers it is a lot like alcoholism... they need to hit rock bottom first. He hit his rock bottom. Every time he returned from a deployment he was a little worse, and I believe that losing his father during this last deployment was the straw that broke the camel's back.

Since returning from Afghanistan this last time, and the entire time we have been in Alaska he has been reclusive. Angry. Bitter. Anxious. Every little thing a person says and does will piss him off. He would sit by himself and speak to no one, when he did speak to anyone it was full of bitter judgement and criticism. He would say things and not remember saying them... for the first time I began to fear him at times, and fear for him.

I KNEW that those awful things he said were not true, I KNEW he did not mean them... it does not mean it hurt any less, but I tried to remind myself that this man was not the man I married. The man I married was in there... somewhere... we just needed to find him. It is really hard to help a man find himself again when he says he does not know who he is. Where do you start?

He is seeing a counselor now, he is also seeing a TBI (Traumatic Brain Injury) specialist. Next week he will start with therapy. It is all overwhelming for him right now, and I am trying my best to try and keep up with all of the appointments. Not only do I have to keep up with his appointments, I have my own appointments, I have appointments for the kids, I have the kids to care for, schoolwork to do, and a house to TRY to keep clean... HOW THE FUCK AM I DOING ALL OF THIS?

I get two days off a week, and those days are not days of rest. I still have to be the strong one. I still have to be the optimistic one, I still have to be the happy one. While he is being negative and fearful I have to be sunshine and rainbows. I want a day of rest... a day to sit around and do nothing. I want time to exercise again, time to blog again. Those are my emotional releases and I have no time for them!

Well... anyway... to conclude, here we go on a roller coaster of emotion and dare I say... insanity? I am going to try to get back to blogging, because whether or not anyone is reading this, it is going to help me. Maybe there is another wife out there going through the same thing and needs answers or just the feeling that she is not alone. I don't know, but for a while, the next blogs I will write will be the unraveling.