Dream Interpretation

So early this morning I had a dream. It was odd, but after looking up some meanings I think I have the code cracked.

I just got out of the shower in my dream, or I am assuming, because I was leaning over to put gel in my hair (it's odd because I never use gel in my hair, just mousse) and I remember it feeling very sticky. As I was trying to run it through my hair I noticed that my hair was very tangled and matted... and then I noticed my hair came out in two huge clumps... much like when I am pulling clumps of hair out of my husky mix's when they are blowing their winter coats. I didn't end up bald, instead I ended up with a short/sassy new hairstyle that I wasn't all upset about. I remember running my fingers through the back thinking how soft and healthy my hair felt. I was happy and comfortable!

Now on to the dream interpretation.

My tangled and matted hair represents the negativity in my life. Things were in chaos. The gel is representative of me trying to hold my shit together... it didn't work because as I was trying to hold my shit together the negativity just decided to release itself from me instead.

So this means that instead of trying to hold my shit together I am just supposed to get rid of it. Get rid of the negativity, the people that make me crazy, etc... and you know what? I did! I quit my job at the PX that was full of toxic people. I removed myself from drama filled Facebook groups. I deleted people from my friends list that were negative or toxic... not friends at all... just people that kept me on for gossip or some shit.

The new shorter, healthier hair is representative of right now. How my stress is mostly gone (some of my long hair was still on my head, and while it wasn't tangled and matted, it was dry and not as healthy as the hair on the back of my head).  It was a different color. It went from blonde to dark brown/red representing the changes in myself). I know it was a positive dream because I was happy and not upset at all about losing my long hair! It's just weird how things in your life end up being interpreted in your mind while you are sleeping.

Things have gotten so much better lately. I mean, it seems like since I quit my last job things just keep getting better and better! I got a new job that I LOVE! The people there are amazing and I feel zero stress even though my days are spent learning new things and TONS of it. How amazing is that? They work with me on my schedule and work around the appointments I have rather than forcing me to take vacation leave weekly or leave without pay. They are super nice and have wonderful personalities, I even told my manager that she just doesn't understand how happy I was to be there.

My daughter was able to get the medications she needs to manage her ADHD and anxiety. I didn't have to fight anyone or lose my shit to get it done either! While we were in Alaska she was treated so poorly by the army medical clinics there. In the beginning they told me (what we later found out) her anxiety attacks were just "teenage temper tantrums". Her stomach pains had no cause, they were psychosomatic. Her period pains were just cramps... here, take some naproxen and get used to it. Everything she all of a sudden became allergic to was not even considered for anything going wonky with her body. I took her off post for mental health care and she was treated right and taken seriously... that's where she was diagnosed and started making progress. Since coming to Texas she has recently been diagnosed with endometriosis, and upon research of that so many things that have been going on with her over the years can be attributed to that. It wrecks the immune system, gives gastrointestinal issues, and can even cause a person to have allergies (because of the immune system issues).

My house got clean and my kids are doing their chores!!! That is nothing short of a miracle in itself.

You know... sometimes life turns to shit... but nothing is permanent. Things can and will get better. It seemed like bad kept happening rapid fire, like dominoes falling since before we moved to Texas on through recently. Now I am excited to see things looking up and am super excited to see what else good will come my way.

Food for Thought 2018

I have often gone to my Facebook to relax. Seeing what my friends are doing, funny memes, etc can be relaxing. Not so much right now. I have a bunch of people polluting the feed with their anti gun, pro gun, conspiracy theories, anti government, pro government, anti Trump, pro Trump,  hating the left, hating the right, anti vaccine, pro vaccine... holy crap I could go on forever. The thing is everyone has it wrong. They are not thinking hard enough, their complaints or solutions are either too simplistic or offer nothing at all.

The thing is these posts are either severely misinformed, severely hypocritical, or do nothing but spread more hate, ignorance, and anger. There are people on my friends list that I wonder if they completely have lost their minds with the bullshit they post! It's CRAZY shit!!!!!

I want to comment "OH MY GOD! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU???"

Bear with me while I sound like an old woman. Social media had ruined our society. We are able to post whatever we want without regard to logic or fact. Then people who are apparently unable to fact check on their own believe whatever it is without question. We are able to comment whatever we want to people. There is no regard for the fact that the person on the other end is a LIVE HUMAN BEING WITH FEELINGS! People tell others to fuck off, they tell others to kill themselves, they threaten the lives of others and threaten to rape; this is all done under the "anonymity" of the internet with no consequences or repercussions for their actions. There are VERY few people who are able to hold civilized conversations with others that have differing viewpoints. It turns into name calling and threats. Keyboard warriors.

Then there are those that resort to actual violence because they are unable to communicate. Do you realize how many people are shot and killed in my city alone over WORDS?!??! I don't know actual numbers, but its more than one and one is too many. I see comments online about how "people don't know how to fight with their fists anymore, they want to go for the guns. They need to bring back good old fashioned ass whoopins instead of going for their gun." No, no they don't. You DO realize that fists can kill too right?

People need to grow the fuck up and learn to talk like ADULTS or walk the fuck away. Bullying is bad, yes... it happens. Yes people do need to toughen up a bit, but you know what? Not all people are able emotionally or mentally to do that. Hear me out. School shooters to my knowledge have one thing in common: they were outcasts. People want to point their finger at guns, people want to point their finger at the FBI, people want to point their finger at the school, people want to point their finger at the shooter... do me a favor and point the finger at yourself. What are YOU doing to foster human morals, ethics, goodwill and kindness? What are you doing to reach out to those less fortunate or a little weird to show them that they are not hated by everyone? You don't know what these people went through at school, at home, etc. Why look at someone and decide they are unworthy of a smile and a hello? Why see someone that looks angry and upset and decide to leave them alone rather than asking "Is everything ok? Are you alright?"

I have seen people posting asking kids to befriend someone they wouldn't normally to protest school shootings rather than walking out. Why is everyone have such an aversion to reaching out to those that don't fit into their cliques? You don't have to hang out with them in your free time or spend hours on the phone or whatever... just. be. nice. If a person thinks that no one loves them, that no one cares, and everyone is out to get them the result is usually one of two things or both- violence against others and suicide.

It saddens me to see how selfish people have become. I know that all people are not like this, but it doesn't help when social media and major news media only focus on the negative and their own agenda. I stopped watching the news years ago, I stopped reading the news... every once in a while I will read something but it leads me down a rabbit hole trying to find what's true and what is propaganda for their sheep.

I believe we, the people of the United States and the earth, have the obligation to make the change. Its starts from within. It starts within our own homes. If you are waiting for someone else to start it or do something you are part of the problem. It costs ZERO DOLLARS to be nice to someone. Remember the movie "Pay it Forward"? Yeah, do that. It doesn't always have to cost something, it just requires you to have a heart. It won't stop all violence, some people ARE just bad, but I wonder how long it will take for people to see a change on our soil? 

Be the change you want to see in the world!!!!

Lessons Learned

I did it! I quit my job! I have a tentative start date with a new job, but I had to quit. I needed time to decompress, I needed time to release the negativity... I needed time to let it go so I wouldn't drag all of that with me to my new job.

I knew it wasn't healthy to stay there. I knew it wouldn't get better. I knew the hostility was gaining momentum all around. I knew I was going to walk in to work yesterday and get questioned over my decision to NOT stop someone. I knew that no matter what I did I was going to get questioned or told I was wrong. I knew it was time... I learned a valuable lesson, and that was it's not just about loving what you do, but about who you work with too. You can love your job, but those people that surround you can make you miserable.

If you are wondering, the night before last I was at work and a guy stole the back to an earring. One of those little plastic ones. There was still another back on the earring... they were sold with two and he stole one because he apparently needed one for his earring already in his ear. So I am sitting there going "Do I stop him? He didn't take the earrings, and we can still sell them as they are for full price. What value do you put on those backs and how do you charge it? Five cents? Twenty cents? Knowing my bosses they would say charge him for the earrings completely, and that is not something I would feel comfortable with. I would end up being a huge joke with the Military Police if I stopped this guy over the back to an earring..." so I decided not to make the stop, it wasn't worth potentially ruining a guy's military career or potentially ruining my reputation as an LP that is worth a crap. I don't make bad stops and I am not going to make a stop over something that more than likely has no value. Hell the MP's told my former coworkers that day that they didn't charge a guy with theft that they said stole a 98 cent chapstick. They stopped him, and the MP's said "He paid for it, it was broken, he exchanged it... he just didn't go through the proper channels to exchange it (bypassing customer service completely)", oh that pissed them off! I mean, it's understandable them being pissed, but sometimes you have to make a judgement call (on the LP and the MP side) that won't be popular with others. Oh, and FYI... if you steal from AAFES and are caught you will be charged $200 on top of anything you might have stolen. It's not worth it people!

SO...
I went into to work, neither manager was there. Bummer. So I went into the camera room, grabbed a resignation form, told the ESSA there I was quitting and went into the office to fill it out. I left my keys, credentials, and time card on the desk as well as a copy of my resignation and went straight to HR. I gave them a letter of resignation and told them EXACTLY why I was quitting. I told them it was a toxic work environment, I told them that I was micromanaged, I told them they were being petty, I told them that I was being treated badly, I told them I was talked to over anything and everything. I told them the job was making me physically ill with stress and anxiety from my first few days on and that I had to leave before it got worse. I told them it just wasn't healthy. They didn't seem surprised. I was asked if it was the manager. I told them it was BOTH the manager and assistant manager, more so the assistant manager because she was there more.

I told them I had done this previously, for years, and I knew the job. I knew what was right, I knew what was wrong. I told them that as soon as I started questioning their work ethics and whatnot that the attitude towards me changed. I told them that my mind was spinning at the moment, but I had everything written down of what had been going on and what behaviors and whatnot had been done to me. She told me that I was still good in their system because I turned in my resignation, even though I had not given notice... but I don't think I will EVER work for that company again.

I started thinking back to when I worked LP for the first time. My best friend/coworker and I complained about the boss because he did not know his job that well and he was annoying... but you know what? Overall he was a good manager. He trusted us. We didn't clock in and out because he trusted that we would come in and leave for our scheduled shifts, and we did. He trusted us to make a stop and not question us if we REALLY saw what we did thereby casting doubt. He trusted us as adults to eat in the camera room, and as such we often worked through our lunch because we WANTED to and LIKED to work. He trusted us to train employees and not take pictures and email them to him to prove that we were training employees. He trusted us to not have us call and email him with EVERY THING WE DID or any decision we made. We often texted him to let him know what was going on if we made a stop, not because we had to, but because we were excited and wanted him to know.

Everything was done with respect and trust, not because of micromanaging and mistrust. We had an awesome team of loss prevention people because we COMMUNICATED and WORKED TOGETHER AS A TEAM! We didn't work on cases and not let everyone else know what we were doing, we told everyone so that if they saw something or if we needed help we were there for each other. Fort Hood AAFES Los Prevention is "every man/woman for him/herself". No teamwork, no trust, no communication. 

ANYWAY....

Today I am going in to take a drug test for my new job which will start the background check. I will spend the rest of my day cleaning and whatnot that I have neglected since I started working again. I need to buy toilet paper too since I got trapped in the downstairs bathroom this morning and had to text my daughter to bring me some... luckily she looked at her phone (she normally has it on silent).

I will...

Is that song in your head now???

Good (ish) News and More on the Toxic Workplace

So I have good news and bad news...

The good news is I got a call from an employer I interviewed with. They like me, they want me. This is an interview with a company I felt good about. Our personalities meshed well, and the manager interviewing me actually understood what I was talking about when I said I encountered difficulties with the male management at my last job in Alaska. Not MY direct manager, he was awesome, it was the store management. She said "Ego?" I told her it's what I heard, but I didn't want to believe that there could be problems like that for something so trivial... she went on to say how difficult it is for female managers in an industry primarily run by men, and how you constantly feel like you have to prove yourself and fight to be respected. HOLY SHIT! She gets it! That made me feel so good about where I was...you have no idea. I have the option and opportunity to move up within the company. No stagnation. This is important to me. So, yeah... they like me and want me.

The bad news is that while she got the OK from he district manager to hire from the outside for the position, he told her they needed to transfer someone in from another store. The position was no longer available. 

There is more good news! Ish...

She said that another position will be opening up soon, like within the next week or so, and she should know by "early next week" (that's now... keep fingers crossed please). She said she just needed to make sure she has dotted all her I's and crossed all her T's, but she will keep me in the loop as to what is going on. 

It gave me hope. It made me happy, but yet frustrates me because I know I am closer to quitting the toxic job I have now, but still don't know when. If you have ever worked in a toxic work environment you know what I am going through. You dread going in to work, you get sick to your stomach, you spend your days off not enjoying your free time but thinking about how much closer you are to having to go back. You get headaches frequently, upset stomachs, you have trouble sleeping, your home life suffers because of the stress you are going through. 

I was talking to a good friend the other day and told her I was wondering if it was me. Was I the one creating a toxic environment? Was it me because I questioned the managers and how they were doing things that I believed to be wrong? Was it me because I did not tell them about recurring appointments I have for my children during the interview? Was it me because I stopped going to them with concerns after I saw how they reacted to what had been brought up to them before?

Or was it them? Was my first clue the day I walked into the office with signs all over stating that "this is a drama free zone" and "Let it go"? Was it the coworkers who went to management with my concerns that got me under fire? Coworkers who got upset at some friendly teasing over catching shoplifters (saying I was good for the month while they weren't... I mean I didn't say they weren't, I just said "I am good for the month") so they went to the managers with something completely different and twisted my words. Put me in a situation where it was three against one where I felt like I was supposed to take everything they threw at me while they cast aside anything I said... or flat out stated I wasn't being honest with my answers. I tried so hard not to cry, I had to leave right after that to smoke and try to calm down... I wanted to quit right there, but the need for the extra money for my family is greater than my desire to quit this fucked up job. 

I have spent more time than you can imagine googling toxic work environments... I also googled toxic employees to see if it was me. This job really has me questioning myself, but at the same time the signs point to the problem being them more than me. I admit I have questioned their ethics, I admit I have complained at being treated like a child rather than an adult, I will admit I have complained at their lack of willingness to accommodate my schedule for my appointments for my kids. I will admit I have complained about feeling I have been thrown to the wolves on occasion. I admit I have complained about being told I cannot take sick leave for my kids appointments. 

Most recently I have taken to laughing while complaining when the manager pulled me aside to talk to them about not contacting them about switching shifts with another employee, an employee who told her when she came in that she was supposed to call and forgot. Then talked to me about "the vendetta against the door" because apparently I am always slamming the door. The talked to me about not talking to the new employee while she is trying to train him because I might confuse him... she made said new employee go home 2 hours early because he would have been alone with me. It's damn petty at this point. 

While I said before that I would rather work a job that I love for less pay than a job that I hate for more money, I realize a job is not just about what you are doing. While I love loss prevention, and I love what I do, I hate where I am. It's not just about the work, it's about your boss, it's about the coworkers, it's about the environment as a whole. 

And now I am biding my time until I can go in there and quit. 

Toxicity

Every day I go into work I fantasize about being able to quit. Seriously. All I am waiting for is a phone call from a prospective employer telling me I was selected for a job and I will quit where I am now. I have fantasized about this since the first few days of starting said job.

One fantasy includes me putting my credentials and keys on the desk in the office and saying "C'YA!" and walking out of the office with both middle fingers held high. Another fantasy includes me saying "Fuck this job, fuck you, I fucking quit!"

Honestly I have no clue how it will go down. I may just lay my credentials and work keys on the desk and silently walk out... screaming in joy all the way home. The point is I am miserable at work. While I love doing loss prevention work, I hate where I am. I am in a position with a company that gives me ZERO chance of moving up in position. There is a lady that has been in her position there (same position as me) since 2008. That is 10 years being stagnant in a low level position! I DON'T WANT THAT!!!!

The managers are... well let's just say the workplace is toxic. The managers are micro-managers. I was literally told yesterday "We need you to be independent" yet in the next breath being told I need to call them with anything that happens right away (this was in response to me not calling them about the shoplifter I could not stop and spent the majority of the day gathering ditched packaging and doing video review). Soooo I need to be independent yet not... OK.

I was told not to eat in the camera room while another LP was literally right next to me eating and NOTHING was said to her.

While I know what I am doing and am damn good at LP work, I do NOT know the computer portion of it at the company because it has been three years since I did it. I forgot... sue me. I told them I did not remember the computer portion (entering in cases, etc). I told them many times. They had the nerve to tell me that since I was prior LP and I was saying "I know this" or "I got this" they thought there was no problem. I told them that I had told them NUMEROUS times I did not know the computer part, they looked at me like I had horns growing out of my face.

When I told one LP that I felt like no one wanted to help me when I needed to stop my shoplifters last week that LP then went to the managers and said that I said no one helped me at all. The story was I saw the subjects select merchandise, I did not see the concealment because it was in a blind spot. I went on the floor to where I assumed he concealed and found empty packaging, I told the fellow LP we needed to stop them, she says "OK" I hear her yell for the assistant manager and she hangs up the phone. I go to the front of the store to wait for someone to assist because we are not supposed to make a stop alone and NO ONE SHOWS. I go back to the office and walk in and say "Is no one going to come help?" I get told by the managers "We didn't see what you saw". Ummmm... does it fucking matter???? I SAW IT! IT'S MY JOB!!!! That's not what I said though, I said "He stole the earrings, I have the empty packaging. We need to stop them" To which they replied "Are you sure?" I replied "YES!" I was getting impatient because all this time we are wasting they could get away. The fellow LP grabs her credentials (I did not have mine yet) and goes to stop them. She made the stop and we escorted them back. I get scolded for her doing the stop instead of me... apparently I am supposed to flash my dependent ID card instead of credentials...

I feel all of this is SO STUPID and I want out. I really do. I want a new job where I feel trusted and valued. A job where I am treated like an adult woman rather than a inexperienced kid.  I have anxiety daily, I often cry on my drive home, I often call my bestie to cry to her because SHE GETS IT! I feel sick to my stomach and have frequent migraines. This job is literally making me sick. It's toxic. 

And now part of me is terrified someone will see this and I may get fired before I can quit. 

Shoplifting and... I have a few words.

So yesterday I saw someone shoplifting at the tail end of the "experience". I mean I did not see the parts I had to in order to stop the person, but I saw him tearing open packaging and stuffing the product into his pocket. This is where working loss prevention pisses me off. In order to make a stop there are certain elements you need; unfortunately I was unable to get the elements until after he had left the store already... with his children.

What bothers me is not that this person was stealing while he had his children with him, it was that he was stealing WITH his children! His children were stealing too! These kids were not old, they were maybe 12 or 13 at the oldest, 8 or 9 at the youngest (I am guessing from their appearance). One kid walked in wearing one outfit and walked out wearing something new entirely. So that tells me this man is TRAINING his kids to steal! ON A MILITARY BASE!!!!

So yeah... today when I go in I will go over all the video footage I was able to pull and save of this man and his children stealing, enough footage to turn it over to the military police I hope... to include his license plate number.

The upsetting thing about this is that I saw first hand at what is going wrong with America. I saw that not all parents really care about their children. Not all parents want their children to do well and make something out of themselves. Not all parents want their children to stay out of trouble. I saw one parent (I have no idea what the mom is like) walk into a store with his two boys and encourage them to steal. It is sad. If this is allowed and encouraged what else have they been taught?

Those boys have been set up for a life of failure. They have been set up for a life of crime that will slowly escalate. They have been set up for a mentality that makes everyone other than themselves responsible for their actions. "THE WORLD OWES ME!" It is sad for many reasons that I really cannot articulate now. It's like a 16 year old that I caught shoplifting earrings but he bought a package of baby bottles... and he had a HUGE wad of cash in his pocket, like dealing drugs wad of cash (he reeked of pot too), and the only thing his mom said to him was "Why are you buying baby bottles?"

Don't blame lack of religion, because I am not religious and my children have grown up to be law abiding individuals that care about others. They don't roam the streets at night breaking into cars and homes, they don't steal, they don't deal drugs, they don't vandalize any property... I raised them. I talked to them, I gave them consequences for their actions, I made sure the consequences were harsh enough that they would think about that next time the thought to do wrong would even cross their mind! I am not saying my children are perfect. They are not. They make mistakes... hell my youngest was caught shoplifting years ago, but he has not done it since.

Don't blame music, movies, or video games either. My kids played those games that most would view as questionable... but I talked to them about it, talked to them about how it was wrong and people shouldn't behave that way. I didn't say it was cool or glorify the behavior in any way. The problem is parents not parenting anymore. The mindset of many people today is the problem. Hell, even some of the laws are the problem! Can't spank a kid today without CPS putting their noses into the situation! So many don't believe in spanking their kids because they didn't like it when they were kids. No, we didn't like it, that's the point. It kept us from doing stupid shit because it made us think twice about what we were going to do! You can spank without it being abuse. Period. There is a line.

You Were Never There

Here is something that has been going through my mind for the last few days. My father passed away in October. He was an Army veteran and had told me he was in Vietnam. He had nothing to prove this and I had never asked for proof because why would he lie to me?

I had written a paper on him and his experiences when I was in high school. I remember it clearly. I had asked him if he would be willing to be interviewed for it and he told me to sit down and pay close attention because he was only going to tell his story once. He didn't like talking about it and he would never speak of it again.

His story was vivid, and he went into as much detail as he could. I remember my father waking up in the middle of the night at times rushing outside because he couldn't breath. I had heard it was because he was having flashbacks from when he was in Vietnam, being in a tunnel, and someone had gassed it; he was trying to get out of the tunnel so he could breath again. I had felt shrapnel from a mortar in his scalp.

He would tell me about his first stint in the army when he was in Germany, met a German woman, and married her. How she died in a car accident. I have that photo of him and her together in Germany. His stories included "a buddy of mine", never any names that I can remember... and he would tell me he learned not to make friends with anyone because then it wouldn't hurt so much when they were killed.

After my father dies I wrote to the National Archives asking for his full military records including anything from Vietnam. A few days ago I got a letter back with the information I already had from his time in service with a note stating there were no records or orders to substantiate any service in Vietnam and his overseas duty was in Germany.

Now here is where things get confusing, at least for me.They gave me a list of his medals. One of them is the Overseas Service Ribbon with the numeral 2. This means he was overseas twice. When he was in Germany when I was a kid (I was there too) he never went back overseas after that. He never went before that for that current enlistment. My mother and he got married, he was stationed in Washington, then stationed in Germany, and then Colorado; he finished his enlistment out in Colorado. What was the other overseas tour?? Was it the time he was there and met his wife? I am trying to remember if he said he was there stationed or just went there on R&R. How was he in then and able to not get sent to Vietnam? Something is missing here.

I am not sure where to go from here. I am going to send off for his Selective Service record, since he was of age during the Vietnam draft. I am going to send off for as much information as I can, but not knowing who he served with, or any other details because my father was a SUPER private man is going to make this difficult. I refuse to believe he lied to me. I have done some searching online and have seen numerous other Vietnam vets that have been told "You were never there", and trying to find a way to prove it because they needed to make a claim with the VA because of cancer or something else connected to their service in Vietnam. This isn't right. I refused to allow my father's memory to be sullied by the government that can't ever keep records straight.

This might explain why my father chose to be buried in the local cemetery rather than in a national cemetery. He probably knew they lost his records, he probably knew they were denying he was there, and he didn't have the energy or means to fight it. He was also too proud a man to discuss any of his issues he had had with the VA over many years. He wanted to be remembered for his service in Vietnam on his headstone and he made sure he was. If he was buried in a national cemetery he wouldn't have been remembered as such. It was his way of telling them FUCK YOU I WAS THERE!

Anyway, I am feeling lost, and apart from requesting his selective service record I am not sure where to go from here. If anyone knows, please let me know.

Time to Catch Up...

Here again! My last post was almost 4 years ago... damn. I am awful.A friend of mine from when I lived in Germany suggested I start writing again as stress relief. Goodness knows I need to. No one is probably reading this anymore, but if anything I am getting it out. Facebook is not a diary, but this can be... sort of. SOOOOOOOOOO much has happened in that 4 years, and I am not even sure how to even start on what has been going on.

When I last posted I believe I was working Loss Prevention at AAFES, I did that for a few years and then quit for a job at MWR that I left out of misery and then started working as a Loss Prevention Manager at Lowe's in Fairbanks. While I had a few issues while I was working there I loved my job, loved my fellow LPM's in Anchorage, and loved the boss I had.

The most recent thing is we are no longer in Alaska. We moved to Texas in July 2017 and it has been nothing short of a culture shock to me. I quit my job that I LOVED in Alaska to move because big army said so and was unable to find a job for 6 months. The job I left in Alaska opened the day we landed in Texas and so I applied for it, I interviewed, I was not selected. I was devastated. Every job I applied for I was either completely ignored, got a thanks but no thanks email, or called for an interview and then rejected (sometimes radio silence after an interview which I found EXTREMELY unprofessional). I finally got a job but I hate it. I mean, I love what I am doing (loss prevention), but management is toxic and the pay sucks horribly. They can't blame it on Texas vs. Alaska because places off post (yes, I am working for AAFES, seems I have come full circle in a way... boo) here in Texas pay more than this place does. I have 3+ years of experience and a masters degree and I am getting low wages. I took the job because I panicked and was desperate. My unemployment was about to run out and no one was hiring me. I was wondering if something was wrong with me... but people have been telling me that here it is not about what you know it is about WHO you know. I have never had that issue before.

My father passed away in October. I have not seen him since right before we moved to Germany. I called him often, but I was never able to get to Nebraska to see him... I feel awful about that.  It was apparent by how he was living that he was a very lonely and depressed man. I hope in death he has found the peace he couldn't find in life. He died of natural causes, but you could tell he had given up.

A few years ago my daughter was diagnosed with anxiety, depression, and ADHD. As it stands now it's just anxiety and ADHD, and she has made some MASSIVE strides in her own recovery and I have had to be a strong advocate for her. I was taking her to counseling appointments weekly, then biweekly. I was taking her to appointments for medications she needed. I was fighting with army docs over medications. Just recently she was diagnosed with endometriosis. She is taking it well and hoping it was caught early enough to not have caused much damage internally so that she can have children some day. She will be graduating high school next year if all goes well.

I called it quits on my last attempt at a masters degree. I finished all my coursework and stopped at practicum and internship because of some major soul searching. With everything going on in my life; with my husband with PTSD and my daughter with her anxiety, and with me being the one to deal with it I realized that if I became a counselor I would NEVER get a break. I would burn out FAST. It wasn't the right time for me to do it.... and while my passion behind doing it is the same, I realized that my passion wouldn't save whatever sanity I have left.

So here is some good stuff! We got another dog. The husband named him Sapper because "he was going to be his dog", but Sapper decided that I was his human... I wanted to name him Bear, either way we had to change the name he came to us with: "T-Bone"... this dog is not a steak. I have a job interview on Tuesday and I hope that it ends well because I need out of the job I have. Fingers crossed! It's just a supervisor position, but its better than what I have now and if I get it I can have an easier track into management.

I cleaned out my Facebook from a LOT of negativity. People who I had thought were friends that were just a cancer eating away at my confidence and whatnot. At first I kept them around to keep an eye on them, but then realized I won't see any bullshit on there so I realized better to cut ties and be done with it... it actually relieved a lot of stress. I keep my friend circle small and share very little with people because I have trust issues. I am too old for high school drama.

I will do my best to blog regularly again and make them more entertaining than this one was. I just felt like I needed to explain why I was gone for so long. Something has to change. The stress I am under has caused me to emotionally eat, which caused me to gain weight, which makes me more unhappy. So here is to hope. Here is to luck.

PTSD and Cancer

Yes it has been a while, a long while... who would have thought I would get to busy to write??? Maybe I am not too busy, but I have been lacking in motivation. So here is what is new:

My husband's PTSD is getting better, meaning he is learning to manage it better. It is by no means gone, and regardless of what his doctor says it is not in remission (my personal belief is that it can never go into remission, it just becomes a little more manageable with practice and therapy). We have been doing more together as a family like going out for dinner and going to the theater to watch a movie, and while that is an ordeal in itself we have been doing it.

Going out to eat or going to the theater is an ordeal because it always puts my husband in a preemptive trigger. He knows he is going where there will be a lot of people, and he gets very uncomfortable about the thought of it, so he will either become the asshole and go in a bad mood or try to pick a fight so that he can say "Fuck it, go without me."

Last weekend we went to go see Gabriel Iglesias at the Carlson Center in Fairbanks. Before we left he was being crabby, we went to dinner first and he claimed he was not hungry and did not order anything, after we left the restaurant he was hungry so we hit up the McDonald's drive through. Going into the arena he stalled by having to have a cigarette, then when we sat down he was focusing on everyone around us commenting on the way they were dressed, the way they looked, etc. To be fair there was one girl there who was wearing a bra and shirt WAY too small for her which gave her 4 boobs... even Fluffy couldn't believe her fashion faux pas judging by the look on his face, lol:

It looked ridiculous. The husband remarked that he was surprised no one said how stupid she looked before she left the house.

Once the show started he was fine. He was laughing and enjoying himself, it was a nice break from his PTSD until the show was over and he started noticing everyone around him again. He can be super judgmental and I had to repeatedly remind him to lower his voice and relax. We got to meet Gabriel as well, and then we went home. He said he had a good time and was glad he went. Success!

A few weeks ago my oldest son told me that he had found a lump on his testicle. He had tried to get an appointment, but there were never any spots available, so one day when he had a bad cyst on his back that he wanted looked at and fixed he went to the E.R. and had the lump checked then too. An ultrasound was scheduled and he was referred to a urologist for follow up. Long story short, they were pretty certain that his lump was cancer since it was a solid mass and had its own blood supply. The doctor wanted to remove the testicle and test the lump, my son agreed. So in a time span of two and a half weeks he found a lump and had his testicle removed because of it.

Fun fact:  The testicular cancer ribbon is purple, more specifically orchid purple. The color is orchid purple because orchid literally means testicle in Greek.







Moral of the story? Check yourself! Feel your balls! You may lose a ball, but you will also save your life!

PTSD and the "Cure"

I know it is has been a while since I blogged, and I know I posted on Facebook that I would be posting "soon". The issue with me is #1 busy schedule #2 motivation #3 I love to sleep. I am working 34 hours a week, and I just started working on my 2nd masters degree as well. Add to that an emotional 14 year old girl that is struggling with school and  a husband with PTSD that is ALSO struggling with school and you come up with a woman who is so stretched thin that she just wants to get in her footie pajama's and crawl in bed before 9pm. Wine would help too, but I had to request a special order for it... so I wait for my Riesling escape.

Well, the point to this blog is mainly to discuss something that has been bugging me as of late. My husbands counselor has said that she thinks his PTSD is in remission. Great news, right? Well it is wrong, because she is wrong. How can PTSD go into remission? It is not a fucking disease! People may learn to control their symptoms/triggers, whatever you want to call them, they may not react as severely as they once did, but those triggers that they have never really go away. PTSD is not curable. I was stupid and naive to believe people when they told me at the beginning of this ordeal that "The good news is PTSD is not forever", the fuck it isn't. There will ALWAYS be triggers, there will ALWAYS be pain, there will ALWAYS be struggles... the difference is how it is handled pre treatment vs. post treatment.

I have done a LOT of research on this, and I have not seen one article ANYWHERE that states PTSD is curable. I did see one article that said that statement was up for debate, but generally it has been shown to not be curable. The DSM-5 (American Psychiatric Association, 2013) changed the classification of PTSD to a stress/trauma disorder rather than an anxiety disorder. And as I write this a thought just occurred to me. The DSM states that PTSD can be caused by learning about a traumatic event that happened to a close friend or family member (pg.271)... I would say that in instances like that maybe PTSD is curable, but to people who directly experienced a traumatic event that have those images from their experiences seared into their memory, it will be a lifelong struggle that most people can never understand.



The lifelong struggle is what drives so many veterans with PTSD to commit suicide, ignorant statements such as "It is curable" gives these people false hope, and when that long awaited remission or cure does not happen they feel death is the only escape. I live in fear every day that one of these days my husband might become one of those statistics of veterans that lost their fight with PTSD. When he makes remarks like "I am sorry I am such a burden" my heart sinks. I tell him he is not a burden, but he just does not believe it because HE feels like he is a burden. It is not anything we say to him, it is his own internal struggle.




I am working on my 2nd masters so that I can become a counselor; I want to become licensed and help people and their spouses deal with this horrible disorder. I cannot directly help my husband. I can be supportive of him, love him, and be there for him the best that I can, but I cannot be his therapist (Lord knows I don't want to be either). I can, however, help people in similar situations as ours and try to help guide them towards hope rather than despair. Teach them that while it is not curable it is treatable and can one day become manageable with hard work and effort. I don't want any veteran thinking that a permanent solution to any problem is ever the answer.

If you are ever thinking about suicide and feel unsafe:

Call 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24 hours a day.

Veterans, press "1" after being connected, to be routed to the Veterans Crisis Line.

Veterans can also chat live online with a crisis counselor to get help at any time of day or night. Go to Veterans Crisis Line*.

The Veterans Crisis Line also responds to text messages. Send a text to 838255.

American Psychiatric Association. (2013). Diagnostic and 
     statistical manual of mental disorders (5th ed.). Arlington, VA: 
     American Psychiatric Publishing.

My Mission

My husband being diagnosed with PTSD has not been as easy as I had hoped it would be. Years ago I KNEW he had PTSD, he didn't. I thought once he was finally diagnosed that everything would miraculously get better, he would be put on some magical medication that would make it all go away.

How ignorant was I?? (As a side note, as I uploaded this picture to the blog my husband walked by and said "A magic pill, huh? I need that" I told him, I know... that is what this is about!" He then called me an ass...)

The reality of it all is that he has been in inpatient treatment programs twice and goes to therapy at least once a week. We have started couples counseling and he is on medications that he may or may not take. His reasons for not taking his medication are #1 It upsets his stomach and #2 It makes him feel weak. I told him I do not care, he has been prescribed it, he has to take it, and if it really makes him feel that bad he needs to make an appointment with the doctor to talk about an adjustment.

Things have not been peachy, but there has been improvement. He will still fly off the handle at little shit, but he is quicker to come back to reality and reason than he was before. He is starting to understand how toxic his mother is to him, and that she cannot be the support that he wants her to be no matter how hard he tries to reach out.

He is starting to understand how hard this is on me and the family and that his PTSD affects more than just him, his moods affect more than just him, and his triggers affect more than just him. I am just starting to learn about secondary PTSD. I have learned that being a spouse of a soldier with PTSD can make me feel just as alone as he feels with what he is going through.

There is no one here on this post that I have met that is married to a soldier with PTSD. No support system on this post to meet with others, share stories, and vent about the things we deal with on a day to day basis. Don't get me wrong, I have WONDERFUL family and friends, but sometimes the ear and voice of someone who is going through the same things as you are mean more than the sympathy of those that have not or are not living it. I mean, who else but a spouse of a soldier with PTSD will understand when we need to vent about the anger, the name calling, the impulsive behavior, the withdrawal, the inappropriate behavior, the nightmares, or the flashbacks (just to name a few)? We don't talk to anyone about it because it embarrasses us, or we are trying to protect them... and doing that secludes us and makes us feel alone.

So here is where my mission comes in. I know I cannot be the only one on this post that is married to a soldier with PTSD. I cannot be the only one that is living with what I am on a day to day basis. I want o start a support group for women like me who can vent, seek support, get advice, GIVE advice, and be a part of something that can help us make sense of it all and know that we are not alone in what we live with. I cannot tell you how much it helps just to talk to someone who understands, or laugh with someone who has the same stories as I do about our husbands (because to be honest, sometimes the shit they do is just ridiculous!). Tomorrow I am going to start talking to people and researching what I need to do to get this thing started... as of right now I feel alone, because for all I know I AM the only one on post that is going through this.

Another side note, if anyone wants to contact me about this or PTSD, or whatever... contact me through my blog's FB page @ Through My Insanity and What Else Is There?

Reintegration and PTSD Support

So what's new? A lot... The husband is almost complete with his 10 week PTSD program at OASIS in San Diego; like so almost complete he has less than a week left and will be back by Thursday.

These last ten weeks have been a ride. I have seen changes in my husband that are hard for me to deal with. They are positive changes, but who would have known that positive changes would be so hard to accept? I have learned that things that trigger him, trigger me as well. When he touches on subjects that trigger him I am sitting here getting anxious waiting for the bomb to drop... but when it doesn't and he remains calm I am left in a hyper-vigilant state trying to calm myself and trying to remind myself that this is a good thing.

We started family counseling via VTC (Video Tele-Conferencing) last week, and it went well; it wasn't perfect, but it was good. The therapist mentioned rules in the home, the daughter replied "Wait, we have rules?", the husband proceeded to mock slamming his head into the table. I laughed my ass off.

His return home will not be immediate. We will do a slow reintegration so that he can adjust, the kids can adjust, and I can adjust. It is not an instant process where everyone is happy and ok. Last night the husband and I were chatting online and he seemed down about coming home, feeling like it was never going to happen. When I told him the kids were coming with me to greet him at the airport his demeanor changed and he seemed more positive about it and changed his line of thought completely. He loves the kids, and knowing that they miss him and want to have him back home means a lot to him... especially since he thought they hated him. I know they didn't hate him, but to be honest they did not like him... not him as a person, but the way he acted, reacted, and behaved.

The daughter worried that her behaviors and moods months ago was what was triggering him. To quote her "Mom, is the way I was acting back then what was pissing him off? Did I piss him off with how I was acting?" I told her that he had a limited range of emotion. I explained I think that he was more frustrated and it just translated straight to "pissed off". He saw she was upset and withdrawn, he wanted to fix it, and was upset that he couldn't. She replied "I think he will like me now better." I love my daughter. Not only is she thinking about him and what he is going through, she is recognizing how her behaviors and moods can affect others (good life lesson).

I have joined a group on Facebook called PTSD Project that I found via a page of the same name. PTSD Project is a page that is an organization of Vets and spouses who are hoping to help their brothers and sisters in arms and their families realize they are not alone. They are in the process of applying for 501c3 status.The group is a relatively new group, and screens the people that they allow into their closed group carefully. This helps those that are struggling feel safe to share their experiences and problems without fear of being judged by the rest of their friends and family on Facebook. The group has quickly become an extended family to me, and they help me (and so many others) in ways that are amazing.

Progress

The husband is beginning his third week of treatment for PTSD in San Diego. I am not sure if he is noticing the progress he is making, but I sure do.

I chat with him nightly online via Facebook video chat, or just Facebook chat, and have him tell me how his days are going. The other night he told me about one of the guys there being picked on by others in the group because he talks... a lot. I commended my husband for sticking up for the guy and telling off the bullies. I also told him how I could remember a time that he would have been just as annoyed with the talker's jabber and probably would have been just as mean.

I reminded my husband that treatment is a process for everyone and not everyone progresses at the same rate (it probably helps that he got a leg up with the treatment in San Antonio). They are all there for the same thing, just some are on different stages of progress.

Last night he told me all of the things he loves about me. These are things he has never really said before. I love knowing how he feels, and knowing that he values and appreciates me for more than the physical aspects of our relationship. Feelings are not something he expresses easily.

The man is making progress, and I believe that through all of this our relationship is getting stronger because of it. I love my husband and I am so proud of him for conquering his fears and getting help.

Normal?

I really did pick an apt title for my blog. While I may not write as much as I used to, I am still trying. I keep finding it increasingly difficult to put into words what I am going through or what my family has been going through. Regardless... here is an update.

My daughter is driving me insane. She is 13 years old, perpetually ill, or something is going wrong with her braces, or she wants something... wait  NEEDS something all the damned time. We honestly thought she was going to fail the 8th grade, but by some miracle she passed and will be going into 9th grade next year. We don't know how she did it. She told me she is happy but not as happy as she would be normally because she does not feel like she earned it. The constant drama that comes with having her in the house is a drain on my sanity.

Not my daughter... it could be be though...

My youngest son got caught shoplifting last week. The MP's called me and I had to go to the store to get him. He was not telling them ANYTHING- like his name, how old he was, etc. They got my info from a letter in his backpack... his little stunt could have resulted in us losing our home!! I know the kid is ADHD, but I did not raise my children to steal!!!!  He has to learn to control his impulses!! So I am sending him to therapy for just that.

The husband is now in San Diego getting more treatment for his PTSD. He is about complete with his 2nd week there, 8 more weeks to go... I do not even know where to begin on that one... what to say... so for now I am just going to leave it, maybe discuss it at a later time.

I had to quit work, I did not want to, but I had to. I HATE sitting at home. I have been so bored, and with everything going on and no escape for me I have slipped into a depression of sorts. Sitting home, not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone.... yeah, it sucks.

I have been avoiding the mother-in-law as much as I can. She called me on mother's day and I ignored the call. To be fair I was sick and did not really want to talk to anyone, though I did call my aunt and talk to her for a bit... alright so I did not want to talk to anyone that pisses me off or makes me want to hack off my arm rather than speak to them longer than 5 seconds.

I hate Alaska!! OK, the scenery is beautiful (if you leave Fairbanks), the Northern Lights are gorgeous (sucks in the summer when there is no darkness), but how remote this place is and the lack of anything to do unless you hunt, fish, drink, or use drugs is terrible! It can drive a person to drink, use drugs, or take up drunken hunting and fishing....

Back to the teen daughter thing... why does she insist on using/stealing EVERYTHING I buy for myself even if she has something of her own??? Perfect example: I bought some facial cleansers because there are times I break out like a teen and I wanted to see if these would help. I am tired of looking like a crackhead. I go into my bathroom yesterday to wash my face before bed and I see that she has used my facial cleansers!!! WHY?!?!?! That girl uses PROACTIV!!!! The Proactiv works wonderfully BTW... it is the only thing that worked for her over anything else that you don't have to get from a dermatologist. She comes downstairs and I see she is wearing my clothes. Seriously??? Ugh!

I just want my life to be normal again...

But what is normal anyway??

She will pray for a dog...

First off, the husband is doing well. He has voluntarily signed admittance to the hospital so he can get the treatment he needs until he can go to the treatment center in Texas. He is not happy about it, but he did it... and that is a step. He wants to thank everyone for the prayers and support, I know it means a lot to him and I know he needs it.

Yesterday his CO called me on the husband's cell phone because he did not have my phone number, and he did not know that I had the husband's phone until later during the day. He advised me of visiting hours at the hospital and as soon as I got off the phone with him I went to visit the husband. During the phone call he told me that he had called the husband's mother.

If you had read any of the "Adventures in Funerals" posts you would know his mother is not a stable person. So when the CO told me that he called the husband's mother I replied with "Oh God, you didn't..." He sighed and said "Yes, I did. I had to. Her number is the only correct number I had." He then asked me for his brothers number and my phone number so that he would not have to call her again. I couldn't help but laugh.

I went to visit the husband, he was very sedated, but was able to think clearly. We talked for a bit. He told me he was sorry. I told him he has prayers and positive thoughts coming from all over. He said "Tell them thank you. I appreciate it." When I got home I called his mother... it was inevitable, I had to.

I called her and told her that he was ok. He was safe. He was getting the help he needs. I told her that what he needed right now was prayers, positive thoughts and energy sent his way. He needed to know we love him, support him, and will be behind him through all of this. I told her this at least three or four times during the phone call, all to which she replied with "Yeah.."

At one point during the call the conversation switched to our animals. My cat is newly diagnosed with diabetes, and she has a dog with diabetes. The dog, she told me, had to have life saving surgery back in January, and that the vet said the dog might not survive. She said to me: "You were talking about praying? I was praying to Jesus, God, the Virgin Mary, all the Saints, and anyone else who would hear my prayers. Please don't let my dog die, I can't handle another loss!"

That pissed me off. I tell her that her son needs prayers over what he is going through and she responds with an offhanded "yeah" but her dog has surgery and she is praying to everyone?!?!??! What the F*#K (better Aunt Janie?). Seriously, the husband asked her over a week ago to call the family in Texas to ask for prayers and she told him no, she did not want to worry them. REALLY???? What is wrong with this woman?!?!?!?

During the phone call she tried to make it about her. She said "I know he is worried about me and me being alone and stuff." To which I replied "Well, he has been told by his CO, his doctors, and ME that he has a mission to take care of himself. He is not supposed to worry about anyone but himself. He needs to focus on HIMSELF and get better!" She did not like that and ended the conversation quick. I am glad. I could not take much more of that selfish woman.

Maybe I am being overprotective of him right now, but DAMNIT! What kind of mother is she? Why does it have to be about her? Why can't she show genuine concern for her son? I told Jeff a week or so ago that he needs to learn that she is his mother, he is her son. He is NOT her parent and he has no obligation to take care of her when she is fully capable of caring for herself. It is not his responsibility just because she is being needy and does not want to help herself.

DONE!

So is THIS Rock Bottom?

Last night was one of the longest and most frightening nights I can remember having in a long time. Yes, the husband was diagnosed with PTSD, and yes he had started counseling, but all that meant is that all of the emotions, turmoil, and memories that he had held in for 10+ years started coming out.

Last night was a breaking point for him. His reality is that he was doing his school work, and getting increasingly frustrated because he was just not understanding it (algebra- I don't get it either). He got hungry and decided to go to the PX and get something to eat (this was around 8:20pm), the PX was closed and he got angry because he just wanted to eat. He texted me, and I called and he was talking to me. He decided to go to the Shopette and get something. He went in and did not see anything he wanted, so he got a Mountain Dew and went back to his room. When he pulled into the parking lot it was filled with MP's and an ambulance. He was scared, confused, and did not know what was going on.

The reality: he was doing school work, got frustrated, wanted to quit. Went to get food and got pissed because the PX was closed. He texted me "sounding" despondent. I called him and was talking to him, and while I was talking to him he "left". He went from being despondent to being in Iraq. I drove out to see him and try to calm him. By this time he was in a full on flashback. I called his best friend and tried getting him to talk to him. He did not know him, he did not know me. The look on his face was absolutely terrifying. I got out of there and went home. His best friend told me to call the MP's, he needed to be safe. I called the MP's and told them what was going on. When he returned to the barracks they were everywhere. They took him to the hospital to evaluate him. I met him there...


From what he thinks happened to what really happened there is a three hour lapse in time that is unaccounted for in his reality. I asked him what time he thought it was, he responded "About 9?" I told him no, it was almost 1 am. The look of confusion and fear on his face was heartbreaking. He had a full blown flashback that took him away from himself for three hours and he has no recollection of it.

This is the reality, this is a face of PTSD. Luckily he did not hurt anyone, including himself, but if I did not call for help it may have been only a matter of time before he did hurt himself or someone else. Maybe not that night, maybe not the next day, but I know it was coming.

Right now he is in the hospital getting the intensive help he needs. He is waiting for the completed referral to go to a treatment center in TX for soldiers with acute PTSD. There is hope. This is not permanent. This is scary though and he needs prayers. Please keep him in your thoughts, prayers, or send positive energy his way. He needs it.