Dream Interpretation

So early this morning I had a dream. It was odd, but after looking up some meanings I think I have the code cracked.

I just got out of the shower in my dream, or I am assuming, because I was leaning over to put gel in my hair (it's odd because I never use gel in my hair, just mousse) and I remember it feeling very sticky. As I was trying to run it through my hair I noticed that my hair was very tangled and matted... and then I noticed my hair came out in two huge clumps... much like when I am pulling clumps of hair out of my husky mix's when they are blowing their winter coats. I didn't end up bald, instead I ended up with a short/sassy new hairstyle that I wasn't all upset about. I remember running my fingers through the back thinking how soft and healthy my hair felt. I was happy and comfortable!

Now on to the dream interpretation.

My tangled and matted hair represents the negativity in my life. Things were in chaos. The gel is representative of me trying to hold my shit together... it didn't work because as I was trying to hold my shit together the negativity just decided to release itself from me instead.

So this means that instead of trying to hold my shit together I am just supposed to get rid of it. Get rid of the negativity, the people that make me crazy, etc... and you know what? I did! I quit my job at the PX that was full of toxic people. I removed myself from drama filled Facebook groups. I deleted people from my friends list that were negative or toxic... not friends at all... just people that kept me on for gossip or some shit.

The new shorter, healthier hair is representative of right now. How my stress is mostly gone (some of my long hair was still on my head, and while it wasn't tangled and matted, it was dry and not as healthy as the hair on the back of my head).  It was a different color. It went from blonde to dark brown/red representing the changes in myself). I know it was a positive dream because I was happy and not upset at all about losing my long hair! It's just weird how things in your life end up being interpreted in your mind while you are sleeping.

Things have gotten so much better lately. I mean, it seems like since I quit my last job things just keep getting better and better! I got a new job that I LOVE! The people there are amazing and I feel zero stress even though my days are spent learning new things and TONS of it. How amazing is that? They work with me on my schedule and work around the appointments I have rather than forcing me to take vacation leave weekly or leave without pay. They are super nice and have wonderful personalities, I even told my manager that she just doesn't understand how happy I was to be there.

My daughter was able to get the medications she needs to manage her ADHD and anxiety. I didn't have to fight anyone or lose my shit to get it done either! While we were in Alaska she was treated so poorly by the army medical clinics there. In the beginning they told me (what we later found out) her anxiety attacks were just "teenage temper tantrums". Her stomach pains had no cause, they were psychosomatic. Her period pains were just cramps... here, take some naproxen and get used to it. Everything she all of a sudden became allergic to was not even considered for anything going wonky with her body. I took her off post for mental health care and she was treated right and taken seriously... that's where she was diagnosed and started making progress. Since coming to Texas she has recently been diagnosed with endometriosis, and upon research of that so many things that have been going on with her over the years can be attributed to that. It wrecks the immune system, gives gastrointestinal issues, and can even cause a person to have allergies (because of the immune system issues).

My house got clean and my kids are doing their chores!!! That is nothing short of a miracle in itself.

You know... sometimes life turns to shit... but nothing is permanent. Things can and will get better. It seemed like bad kept happening rapid fire, like dominoes falling since before we moved to Texas on through recently. Now I am excited to see things looking up and am super excited to see what else good will come my way.

Lessons Learned

I did it! I quit my job! I have a tentative start date with a new job, but I had to quit. I needed time to decompress, I needed time to release the negativity... I needed time to let it go so I wouldn't drag all of that with me to my new job.

I knew it wasn't healthy to stay there. I knew it wouldn't get better. I knew the hostility was gaining momentum all around. I knew I was going to walk in to work yesterday and get questioned over my decision to NOT stop someone. I knew that no matter what I did I was going to get questioned or told I was wrong. I knew it was time... I learned a valuable lesson, and that was it's not just about loving what you do, but about who you work with too. You can love your job, but those people that surround you can make you miserable.

If you are wondering, the night before last I was at work and a guy stole the back to an earring. One of those little plastic ones. There was still another back on the earring... they were sold with two and he stole one because he apparently needed one for his earring already in his ear. So I am sitting there going "Do I stop him? He didn't take the earrings, and we can still sell them as they are for full price. What value do you put on those backs and how do you charge it? Five cents? Twenty cents? Knowing my bosses they would say charge him for the earrings completely, and that is not something I would feel comfortable with. I would end up being a huge joke with the Military Police if I stopped this guy over the back to an earring..." so I decided not to make the stop, it wasn't worth potentially ruining a guy's military career or potentially ruining my reputation as an LP that is worth a crap. I don't make bad stops and I am not going to make a stop over something that more than likely has no value. Hell the MP's told my former coworkers that day that they didn't charge a guy with theft that they said stole a 98 cent chapstick. They stopped him, and the MP's said "He paid for it, it was broken, he exchanged it... he just didn't go through the proper channels to exchange it (bypassing customer service completely)", oh that pissed them off! I mean, it's understandable them being pissed, but sometimes you have to make a judgement call (on the LP and the MP side) that won't be popular with others. Oh, and FYI... if you steal from AAFES and are caught you will be charged $200 on top of anything you might have stolen. It's not worth it people!

SO...
I went into to work, neither manager was there. Bummer. So I went into the camera room, grabbed a resignation form, told the ESSA there I was quitting and went into the office to fill it out. I left my keys, credentials, and time card on the desk as well as a copy of my resignation and went straight to HR. I gave them a letter of resignation and told them EXACTLY why I was quitting. I told them it was a toxic work environment, I told them that I was micromanaged, I told them they were being petty, I told them that I was being treated badly, I told them I was talked to over anything and everything. I told them the job was making me physically ill with stress and anxiety from my first few days on and that I had to leave before it got worse. I told them it just wasn't healthy. They didn't seem surprised. I was asked if it was the manager. I told them it was BOTH the manager and assistant manager, more so the assistant manager because she was there more.

I told them I had done this previously, for years, and I knew the job. I knew what was right, I knew what was wrong. I told them that as soon as I started questioning their work ethics and whatnot that the attitude towards me changed. I told them that my mind was spinning at the moment, but I had everything written down of what had been going on and what behaviors and whatnot had been done to me. She told me that I was still good in their system because I turned in my resignation, even though I had not given notice... but I don't think I will EVER work for that company again.

I started thinking back to when I worked LP for the first time. My best friend/coworker and I complained about the boss because he did not know his job that well and he was annoying... but you know what? Overall he was a good manager. He trusted us. We didn't clock in and out because he trusted that we would come in and leave for our scheduled shifts, and we did. He trusted us to make a stop and not question us if we REALLY saw what we did thereby casting doubt. He trusted us as adults to eat in the camera room, and as such we often worked through our lunch because we WANTED to and LIKED to work. He trusted us to train employees and not take pictures and email them to him to prove that we were training employees. He trusted us to not have us call and email him with EVERY THING WE DID or any decision we made. We often texted him to let him know what was going on if we made a stop, not because we had to, but because we were excited and wanted him to know.

Everything was done with respect and trust, not because of micromanaging and mistrust. We had an awesome team of loss prevention people because we COMMUNICATED and WORKED TOGETHER AS A TEAM! We didn't work on cases and not let everyone else know what we were doing, we told everyone so that if they saw something or if we needed help we were there for each other. Fort Hood AAFES Los Prevention is "every man/woman for him/herself". No teamwork, no trust, no communication. 

ANYWAY....

Today I am going in to take a drug test for my new job which will start the background check. I will spend the rest of my day cleaning and whatnot that I have neglected since I started working again. I need to buy toilet paper too since I got trapped in the downstairs bathroom this morning and had to text my daughter to bring me some... luckily she looked at her phone (she normally has it on silent).

I will...

Is that song in your head now???

Good (ish) News and More on the Toxic Workplace

So I have good news and bad news...

The good news is I got a call from an employer I interviewed with. They like me, they want me. This is an interview with a company I felt good about. Our personalities meshed well, and the manager interviewing me actually understood what I was talking about when I said I encountered difficulties with the male management at my last job in Alaska. Not MY direct manager, he was awesome, it was the store management. She said "Ego?" I told her it's what I heard, but I didn't want to believe that there could be problems like that for something so trivial... she went on to say how difficult it is for female managers in an industry primarily run by men, and how you constantly feel like you have to prove yourself and fight to be respected. HOLY SHIT! She gets it! That made me feel so good about where I was...you have no idea. I have the option and opportunity to move up within the company. No stagnation. This is important to me. So, yeah... they like me and want me.

The bad news is that while she got the OK from he district manager to hire from the outside for the position, he told her they needed to transfer someone in from another store. The position was no longer available. 

There is more good news! Ish...

She said that another position will be opening up soon, like within the next week or so, and she should know by "early next week" (that's now... keep fingers crossed please). She said she just needed to make sure she has dotted all her I's and crossed all her T's, but she will keep me in the loop as to what is going on. 

It gave me hope. It made me happy, but yet frustrates me because I know I am closer to quitting the toxic job I have now, but still don't know when. If you have ever worked in a toxic work environment you know what I am going through. You dread going in to work, you get sick to your stomach, you spend your days off not enjoying your free time but thinking about how much closer you are to having to go back. You get headaches frequently, upset stomachs, you have trouble sleeping, your home life suffers because of the stress you are going through. 

I was talking to a good friend the other day and told her I was wondering if it was me. Was I the one creating a toxic environment? Was it me because I questioned the managers and how they were doing things that I believed to be wrong? Was it me because I did not tell them about recurring appointments I have for my children during the interview? Was it me because I stopped going to them with concerns after I saw how they reacted to what had been brought up to them before?

Or was it them? Was my first clue the day I walked into the office with signs all over stating that "this is a drama free zone" and "Let it go"? Was it the coworkers who went to management with my concerns that got me under fire? Coworkers who got upset at some friendly teasing over catching shoplifters (saying I was good for the month while they weren't... I mean I didn't say they weren't, I just said "I am good for the month") so they went to the managers with something completely different and twisted my words. Put me in a situation where it was three against one where I felt like I was supposed to take everything they threw at me while they cast aside anything I said... or flat out stated I wasn't being honest with my answers. I tried so hard not to cry, I had to leave right after that to smoke and try to calm down... I wanted to quit right there, but the need for the extra money for my family is greater than my desire to quit this fucked up job. 

I have spent more time than you can imagine googling toxic work environments... I also googled toxic employees to see if it was me. This job really has me questioning myself, but at the same time the signs point to the problem being them more than me. I admit I have questioned their ethics, I admit I have complained at being treated like a child rather than an adult, I will admit I have complained at their lack of willingness to accommodate my schedule for my appointments for my kids. I will admit I have complained about feeling I have been thrown to the wolves on occasion. I admit I have complained about being told I cannot take sick leave for my kids appointments. 

Most recently I have taken to laughing while complaining when the manager pulled me aside to talk to them about not contacting them about switching shifts with another employee, an employee who told her when she came in that she was supposed to call and forgot. Then talked to me about "the vendetta against the door" because apparently I am always slamming the door. The talked to me about not talking to the new employee while she is trying to train him because I might confuse him... she made said new employee go home 2 hours early because he would have been alone with me. It's damn petty at this point. 

While I said before that I would rather work a job that I love for less pay than a job that I hate for more money, I realize a job is not just about what you are doing. While I love loss prevention, and I love what I do, I hate where I am. It's not just about the work, it's about your boss, it's about the coworkers, it's about the environment as a whole. 

And now I am biding my time until I can go in there and quit.