Reintegration and PTSD Support

So what's new? A lot... The husband is almost complete with his 10 week PTSD program at OASIS in San Diego; like so almost complete he has less than a week left and will be back by Thursday.

These last ten weeks have been a ride. I have seen changes in my husband that are hard for me to deal with. They are positive changes, but who would have known that positive changes would be so hard to accept? I have learned that things that trigger him, trigger me as well. When he touches on subjects that trigger him I am sitting here getting anxious waiting for the bomb to drop... but when it doesn't and he remains calm I am left in a hyper-vigilant state trying to calm myself and trying to remind myself that this is a good thing.

We started family counseling via VTC (Video Tele-Conferencing) last week, and it went well; it wasn't perfect, but it was good. The therapist mentioned rules in the home, the daughter replied "Wait, we have rules?", the husband proceeded to mock slamming his head into the table. I laughed my ass off.

His return home will not be immediate. We will do a slow reintegration so that he can adjust, the kids can adjust, and I can adjust. It is not an instant process where everyone is happy and ok. Last night the husband and I were chatting online and he seemed down about coming home, feeling like it was never going to happen. When I told him the kids were coming with me to greet him at the airport his demeanor changed and he seemed more positive about it and changed his line of thought completely. He loves the kids, and knowing that they miss him and want to have him back home means a lot to him... especially since he thought they hated him. I know they didn't hate him, but to be honest they did not like him... not him as a person, but the way he acted, reacted, and behaved.

The daughter worried that her behaviors and moods months ago was what was triggering him. To quote her "Mom, is the way I was acting back then what was pissing him off? Did I piss him off with how I was acting?" I told her that he had a limited range of emotion. I explained I think that he was more frustrated and it just translated straight to "pissed off". He saw she was upset and withdrawn, he wanted to fix it, and was upset that he couldn't. She replied "I think he will like me now better." I love my daughter. Not only is she thinking about him and what he is going through, she is recognizing how her behaviors and moods can affect others (good life lesson).

I have joined a group on Facebook called PTSD Project that I found via a page of the same name. PTSD Project is a page that is an organization of Vets and spouses who are hoping to help their brothers and sisters in arms and their families realize they are not alone. They are in the process of applying for 501c3 status.The group is a relatively new group, and screens the people that they allow into their closed group carefully. This helps those that are struggling feel safe to share their experiences and problems without fear of being judged by the rest of their friends and family on Facebook. The group has quickly become an extended family to me, and they help me (and so many others) in ways that are amazing.

Progress

The husband is beginning his third week of treatment for PTSD in San Diego. I am not sure if he is noticing the progress he is making, but I sure do.

I chat with him nightly online via Facebook video chat, or just Facebook chat, and have him tell me how his days are going. The other night he told me about one of the guys there being picked on by others in the group because he talks... a lot. I commended my husband for sticking up for the guy and telling off the bullies. I also told him how I could remember a time that he would have been just as annoyed with the talker's jabber and probably would have been just as mean.

I reminded my husband that treatment is a process for everyone and not everyone progresses at the same rate (it probably helps that he got a leg up with the treatment in San Antonio). They are all there for the same thing, just some are on different stages of progress.

Last night he told me all of the things he loves about me. These are things he has never really said before. I love knowing how he feels, and knowing that he values and appreciates me for more than the physical aspects of our relationship. Feelings are not something he expresses easily.

The man is making progress, and I believe that through all of this our relationship is getting stronger because of it. I love my husband and I am so proud of him for conquering his fears and getting help.

Normal?

I really did pick an apt title for my blog. While I may not write as much as I used to, I am still trying. I keep finding it increasingly difficult to put into words what I am going through or what my family has been going through. Regardless... here is an update.

My daughter is driving me insane. She is 13 years old, perpetually ill, or something is going wrong with her braces, or she wants something... wait  NEEDS something all the damned time. We honestly thought she was going to fail the 8th grade, but by some miracle she passed and will be going into 9th grade next year. We don't know how she did it. She told me she is happy but not as happy as she would be normally because she does not feel like she earned it. The constant drama that comes with having her in the house is a drain on my sanity.

Not my daughter... it could be be though...

My youngest son got caught shoplifting last week. The MP's called me and I had to go to the store to get him. He was not telling them ANYTHING- like his name, how old he was, etc. They got my info from a letter in his backpack... his little stunt could have resulted in us losing our home!! I know the kid is ADHD, but I did not raise my children to steal!!!!  He has to learn to control his impulses!! So I am sending him to therapy for just that.

The husband is now in San Diego getting more treatment for his PTSD. He is about complete with his 2nd week there, 8 more weeks to go... I do not even know where to begin on that one... what to say... so for now I am just going to leave it, maybe discuss it at a later time.

I had to quit work, I did not want to, but I had to. I HATE sitting at home. I have been so bored, and with everything going on and no escape for me I have slipped into a depression of sorts. Sitting home, not wanting to go anywhere, do anything, talk to anyone.... yeah, it sucks.

I have been avoiding the mother-in-law as much as I can. She called me on mother's day and I ignored the call. To be fair I was sick and did not really want to talk to anyone, though I did call my aunt and talk to her for a bit... alright so I did not want to talk to anyone that pisses me off or makes me want to hack off my arm rather than speak to them longer than 5 seconds.

I hate Alaska!! OK, the scenery is beautiful (if you leave Fairbanks), the Northern Lights are gorgeous (sucks in the summer when there is no darkness), but how remote this place is and the lack of anything to do unless you hunt, fish, drink, or use drugs is terrible! It can drive a person to drink, use drugs, or take up drunken hunting and fishing....

Back to the teen daughter thing... why does she insist on using/stealing EVERYTHING I buy for myself even if she has something of her own??? Perfect example: I bought some facial cleansers because there are times I break out like a teen and I wanted to see if these would help. I am tired of looking like a crackhead. I go into my bathroom yesterday to wash my face before bed and I see that she has used my facial cleansers!!! WHY?!?!?! That girl uses PROACTIV!!!! The Proactiv works wonderfully BTW... it is the only thing that worked for her over anything else that you don't have to get from a dermatologist. She comes downstairs and I see she is wearing my clothes. Seriously??? Ugh!

I just want my life to be normal again...

But what is normal anyway??