Time for a few rants... feel free to add your own!

Have you ever wanted to tell someone "I would feel sorry for you, but I think you are feeling sorry for yourself enough for everyone"? You have no idea how pissy I have been lately... I know I can attribute some of it to PMS, because I am a raging BITCH during that time, but now that has passed I feel I can safely rant without going overboard... maybe, possibly... don't count on it...

OK, so here we go...

Rant #1: I am sooo tired of women blaming their weight problem on PCOS. OK, I did it once, and I was told that having PCOS makes it harder to lose weight... well it is hard, but NOT IMPOSSIBLE PEOPLE!!!!! I have lost over 70 lbs so far, I am within the healthy weight range (no longer obese, no longer overweight), I have PCOS and I DID IT! You cannot stuff your face with cakes, cookies, McDonald's, Burger King, etc... pop a Metformin in your mouth and say "This pill will help me lose weight!" then get mad when you are not losing weight! OK, Metformin CAN help you lose weight because of the side effects, but it is not meant for weight loss. Also, I saw one woman had typed "I find that since I got PCOS I get cravings before my T.O.M. (time of the month), does anyone else experience this?" Um... news flash!!! MOST WOMEN GET CRAVINGS BEFORE THEIR TIME OF THE MONTH!!!!! YOU ARE NOT SPECIAL!!!! It is not the PCOS that is doing that, it is called being a hormonal woman.

Rant #2: Women who say they are working out, losing tons of weight, etc... then you see them and they look no different than they had 3 months or more before. OK, if you want to lie to yourself fine, but don't lie to me and expect me to lie to you by saying you look like you lost weight when I cannot see it. I would feel bad for thinking this way, but when people tell me they see you running at the track then immediately going into the bowling alley to eat half of a pizza and chicken strips with ranch dressing I know that you just undid whatever you might have done. I feel not one ounce of bad for you. Oh, and stop being pissed off at me because I have lost the weight... I have worked hard for this, if you chose to ignore what I have told you what worked for me that is your issue not mine. Jealousy is an ugly color to wear.

Rant #3: The pity train has derailed... seriously. I am so tired of hearing all the whining and complaining about things that people have complete control to prevent or FIX! Stop playing the blame game for whatever issues you are having, take some fucking responsibility for your actions (or the actions of your little precious adorable demon spawn) and DO SOMETHING!!! You cannot expect others to fix everything for you, and when you are a military spouse you HAVE to learn to do shit and fix shit on your own... waiting for the hubby to handle things is not always an option. I have fixed a door that came apart (Gorilla Glue and clamps to the rescue!), fixed a broken sofa (same thing... YAY FOR GORILLA GLUE!), taken the vehicle in for brakes, tires, and maintenance, dealt with many a crisis, and still managed to try to help others when they exhausted all options. You are a married adult with children... ACT LIKE IT! Also, I refuse to feel sorry for someone who creates their own drama.

Rant #4: My kids are on my last nerve. If they would get off their asses and do their chores I would be THRILLED! Don't expect me to buy you stuff that you want (notice WANT, not need) when you don't do jack shit to earn it. Also, please notice that the vehicle does not have the words TAXI written on it ANYWHERE!

Rant #5: I was told that I might be offered a full time position at the work location 40 miles from here... umm.... take that offer and SHOVE IT! I was working at the local office when a full time position came available and YOU CHOSE to pass me over for it. I do not fancy the idea of driving 40 miles in snow, rain, dark (I hate driving in the dark) and on the friggin autobahn because you screwed me over 8 months ago.

On the upside, the holidays are here. Thanksgiving was wonderful. I invited a Russian family over and enjoyed seeing they loved the food and loved the stuffing (they never had stuffing before... WTF?), I am also holding a 2nd Thanksgiving for some soldier brothers of my husband that will be back home any day.

My youngest son came to me and told me his medication for ADHD was not working and he wanted to go to the doctor. I am so proud of him for seeing that and coming to me! He is now on his concerta in the morning, and a low dose of Ritalin at noon. It is working wonderfully, and I have even noticed his handwriting has become neater! I have to take him into audiology at the end of the month because he says (and the school says) he cannot hear well out of his right ear. He says at times he cannot hear out of it at all, so we shall see what is going on there.

My oldest son is planning a trip to Australia, and getting very impatient about it. My daughter still has her boyfriend, I have met his mother and I like them all! He is a really good kid and looks out for my daughter who can be very trusting and naive at times. I told him that she is lucky to have him, he replied that he is lucky to have her (awww....).

Also... does anyone think that Levi's jeans fit larger than the size states? I bought a pair of size 4's and they fit, but I have a hard time believing that I am my daughter's size.... I mean I will take it, but I do not want to look like a liar when I say I can fit in 4's... I know I can fit into a 7 normally without issue, but 4's??? Pssh...

Add your rants in the comments... I love to read them :)

The truth...

You know, it is hard trying to be tough all of the time. It is hard trying to be strong and positive all of the time... actually it is exhausting.

I am not one to tell people about my problems. Normally when people ask how I am I reply with "Fine!" or "GREAT!" when I really am not. Why do I do this? Because I truly believe that people really don't want the truth when thy ask this...

Yes, I am happy I have lost almost 70 lbs since April. I feel great, I look great (aside from saggy skin, blech), and I have a ton more confidence than I ever did before; but there is a side of my life that most people do not see because I am (believe it or not) a private person. I do not want to give the illusion that my life is perfect, it is not, I just don't want everyone knowing what goes on behind closed doors... but part of me feels like I need to step out from behind the closed doors and speak out because I know there are a lot of military families that are going through what I am now... and I chose to write about it because there is finally a resolution in my life.

Some of my closest friends know what is going on because I have chosen to share with them. For advice, for support, as a sounding board. Most do not know because it is embarrassing for me. My husband has PTSD, I know it, most people who know him know it, but he has not been formally diagnosed yet. With Combat PTSD come a myriad of issues and struggles that "normal" families never encounter.  Allow me to share.

My husband has been deployed numerous times, I believe that the one he is currently on is his 4th or 5th deployment. He has seen death, and I am pretty damn sure he has caused death (I would be stupid to believe he hasn't). What must this do to a person? To know that you ended a life, to see your brothers-in-arms die right in front of you while you are still alive by some grace of God. To see your fellow soldiers deal with being cheated on and divorced while they are fighting in another country and helpless to do anything; afraid that you are next for personal turmoil or death daily.

I cannot count how many times my husband has gotten angry over something and told me he wanted a divorce. I know that it has been a lot... and this past week I had enough. I agreed to the divorce, I was tired of hearing it, tired of the damn hurtful things he would say. I just resigned and said "Ok, fine." I guess he thought I was bluffing, but I had called my father, called my cousin, talked to my friends, talked to an FRSA, ready to go back "home" and stop the madness. I was looking at places to live, looking for work... I was ready to start over no matter how much it scared me. It would have been better than the alternative of continuing to live with doubt about my relationship. I was ready to go.

I guess my husband realized I was serious... but he was not. He did not want a divorce. He did not want to lose me and the kids, he said he did for reasons unknown to him, but he saw that he was about to. He agreed to go get help. In the past I had asked, begged, and pleaded with him to get help. He refused saying there was nothing wrong with him. I knew better.

Knowing he was FINALLY taking the steps to get the help he needed gave me some relief, but I am still wary. For now I am putting off leaving him to see what progress he makes. I KNOW he can be a good man, a good husband, and good father... he just needs help to get past all of the hurt, anger, and fear within him. I cannot help him, I know this... but I know I could not continue to live with him the way he was (and I really hope this helps him).

So my life is not perfect, my marriage is not perfect, and my husband being in the military does not come without added heartache, pain, and turmoil- things the movies do not show. Being married to a soldier is not like being married to a "normal" man. Living the military life is not all glamour. Being a military spouse IS the hardest thing to be if you have a man that has seen war, been injured, and seen death. No man comes out of that unscathed.

I just hope that people do not judge him too harshly. He has his issues, and he is taking the steps needed to fix them. He is not a violent man, he just gets angry and says some really hurtful things and wants to stop that so that he can have a family that loves him as much as he loves us but has such a hard time showing.

I ran my first 5K!!! And other stuff...

I have been so busy lately. I am just 5 weeks and 3 days from completing my Bachelors degree and I am SUPER STOKED about it! I have been trying to defuse my husbands "SGT Jekyll" moments from afar (and believe me, this deployment has been hell on EVERYONE downrange) as well as trying to defuse some other "brother" soldiers  SGT Jekyll moments as well. I am feeling so bad for these guys and what they are going through, and it has been hard for me to put my thoughts together to blog. My kids are going through a lot themselves; my daughter has a boyfriend and is "Miss Popularity" so she is either gone, on the computer, or needing me to be her personal chauffeur. My oldest son is getting burnt out at work and vents to me, and my youngest is constantly asking for the newest video game that was just released... that shit gets expensive!!! 

I have been at the end of my rope a few times, just barely hanging on by the last knot. I have been able to get through with the support of friends, gym and Zumba time, and wine :)

Yes, I am still at the weight loss thing. I have lost over 65 lbs now, I go to Zumba class twice a week, and try to hit the gym the other 3 days. On the weekend I turn on the XBOX Kinect and do Zumba at home or Dance Central (so much fun and makes me SWEAT!). This week I am struggling not to binge eat... I have been making a few bad food decisions, but I think that is attributed to TOM.. I will be right back on track with my eating soon.

Last month I ran (OK, I walked and jogged) my first 5k. I completed it in 47 minutes and was super proud of myself!! It was 32 degrees outside but that did not deter me. I put on my Under Armor, gloves, jacket, and polar bear hat and drove on post to get to the starting line...

After the race... I was so ready for a smoke! My friend Bre... she is like a size 0... seriously...

Crossing the finish line

Watching everyone sign up

This year was the easiest Halloween EVER! My daughter went out with her friends, my youngest son went out with his friends, and I got to sit back and relax...

Youngest son as Master Chief from Halo

She was supposed to be a zombie nurse, but she did not want to wear a lot of makeup, so she just looked like a sadistic/evil nurse... ever see Silent Hill???

Evil....